Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for infertility

Mixed weekend

…from highs  to lows, my daughter had them all this weekend. So we had arranged that our Noxy’s daughter came to spend the weekend with us – it had been her birthday this last week, so it was for a bit of a celebration for the 2 of them. We wrapped her present up, I made some quick party packs, and on Saturday morning (after buying a new oven – more on that later…) we fetched her from the taxi rank. Oh, what excitement, what a cute reunion. They really are a  bit like sisters, Litha and Thandi – having lived together for 3 years! And they had a fabulous day – colouring in tackies (have you seen them, so cool!), watching the ballet show on DVD, playing, building, colouring, pizza with friends… so much fun. Sunday started somewhat subdued, I think they both knew what was coming – after breakfast, we dropped Litha back off with her mum. They seemed ok, I guess, at that stage the high of the visit was still there; but by last night, oh dear, the tears, and the heartache. I sobbed with my little lady. It is so hard to watch her experience the loss again – and now with more understanding – in the morning Litha would be heading off to her own school, and it will be many weeks before they see each other again. Oh, my poor girl.

It’s at times like this that I think about how different my little family would look with another child; and then my heart aches all over again…

Revisiting old feelings

…so last year when we decided to put a hold on trying for a second babe and focus on the running, the plan always was to review where we found ourselves after the marathon.

And I’m here now, and I’m not quite sure where I stand. Realistically I know it’s over, but the heart doesn’t always listen to logic…

Watching Thandi on holiday, so desperate for the French kids to notice her and play with her. Seeing her follow other children around in Disneyland, copying them, hoping they would just interact, my heart crumbled a little more. Do I owe her one more shot? Can I do it? Do I have it in me? I think I know the answer…

The longing will never go away, I suspect.

Thandi’s cycle tour

…was so sweet! She was entered in a 1.5km cycle on Saturday afternoon, but given that she is really not a very confidant cyclist, it was quite a thing. Charlie and I had to run along with her, and most of the time I had to steer to keep her out of the gutter. But despite coming second last, she is so pleased that she ‘won’ and got a medal. Sweet girl!

019 Before the race, getting ready.

022 Posing with her friend Charlotte. (Charlotte is nearly 6, so had a fast easier ride than T)

025With her Daddy, pedalling away! (with no one really visible around her anymore…)

So Saturday really was quite a day, a half marathon for me, a cycle tour for T. I even posed the question on Twitter that evening, if I took a bath, would it count as a triathlon? We finished the evening with a delicious dinner out with our friends, as we were all loadshat, A really fun filled busy day!

So tired

I am so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of feeling like something is missing, tired of this brokenness in me…

I miss the second child I will never have, and I am overwhelming sad for Thandi. She of course doesn’t know what she is missing. I don’t really know what she is missing, my brothers were at boarding school when I was born, and were out the house growing up, being soldiers and students when I was starting out at school, but I know she is missing something good. Knowing how much joy Thandi has given me, how she has filled my heart to overflowing, I am so sad I don’t get more of that. I’m still fairly pissed off with the cards life has dealt me. I mean, an OBGYN with infertility – come on! Most days I am able to make my peace. Today I am just too tired.

I don’t think it will ever go away entirely, the longing, but I can come to terms with the fact that I gave motherhood a hell of a shot. I did more than many woman can or would do. I am, as always, very aware of how blessed I am to have my Thandigirl (before anyone accuses me of not counting my blessings). I just wish I could shake that tired old sad feeling deep within…

Journey’s end

…yesterday marked the end of my journey to baby number 2. I am strangely devastated. For a long time I have really struggled with my menstrual cycle, and yesterday, after too many days of pain, too many interrupted night’s sleep, I have had a mir*ena fitted, in the hopes that it slows down the progression of the endometriosis and adenomyosis. But what it also means is that any further attempts at a pregnancy are over.

I thought I would ok, I know the fabulous Dr DB had said come for one more IVF that I was very reluctant to undertake, but the door was still open. I knew I couldn’t go through that door at the moment – the September run in Cape Town, our holiday at Umngazi, my dad’s scheduled hip replacement (next week) and the clinic’s Christmas break had all meant that this year was probably a non starter. And then there was Paris to consider… So I have to say, honestly my head knew I probably wasn’t going to get to that last IVF. But my heart could still dream a little dream. But that’s over now; with a swoop of a speculum and a pinch of a tenaculum, the dream bubble has popped…

I vacillate between absolutely fine about my 1 child family, to a tearing desperation that threatens to rip my heart wide open. And I am so very afraid of decisions that I may regret. I have never felt more isolated by this decision.

I understand given time I will be just fine, but right now it hurts unspeakably.

Post operative musings

…so my recovery has been fairly smooth. Today I went to gym, managed 20 minutes on the treadmill (was a bit uncomfortable though) and it felt great to get the heart rate up and use the legs. I don’t recall how much info I have given, so here we go, I’ll rehash it all. In 2010 I had a laparoscopy as part of my infertility work up. At the time I was diagnosed with grade 2 endometriosis, involving my uterus and ovaries, bladder, ureter (pipe between kidney and bladder) and my colon, mainly on the right. Obviously after that we went ahead with numerous IVF’s and had a Caesar for Thandi, so lots more interventions; finishing off with that spectacular haemtoma after my last attempted IVF cycle last year. Since then I have struggled with significant pain and things have been definitely ‘not well’ in my pelvis. Eventually the decision was taken (and definitely not lightly) to have another look at things. I managed to convince my doctor to wait until after Knysna, and so last Tuesday, off we went, back to hospital.

So this time last week(+ 1 day) I awoke to the news that there was more endometriosis, involving mainly the left, and sitting in areas which would have made me sore, and that there was a lot of scar tissue, from all the IVF treatments, from the haematoma, from the endometriosis itself… My doctor has now cleaned things up again, so hopefully I improve. But, he has planted a seed… He reckons 1 more cycle, 1 more chance, a teensy bit of hope… And I just don’t know if I can do that to myself again…

Tick tock

…as the clock runs out on this deadline we set for a pregnancy, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about it all lately. I guess the overriding emotion I have is gratitude. Gratitude for the thing of perfection that climbs onto my lap after a long day, and tells me she loves me, that I mustn’t be sad, that I’m her best mommy. But there is a little part of me that is so damn tired of trying to justify why I want another.

Yesterday I was in the difficult position of having to deliver an unwanted child. Initially the mom-to-be considered a termination of pregnancy, but the idea didn’t sit comfortably with her. Then she considered adoption, but that flew in the face of her partner’s beliefs. So now, this little baby has been born into an uncertain situation, with no one really wanting him, but no one brave enough to make a decision. At the same time, I have a patient going through a terrible pregnancy loss at the age of 40 with probably not enough time to consider another. Fucking hell, it’s all a little unfair.

How damaged we are at the end of these journeys we are on… each of them is unique, but we emerge battle scarred and bruised. I’m almost ready to retire injured, my heart is sore today.