Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for just moaning

Chronic pain

…I’ve had a headache/neckache/backache on and off for most of the last week. 2 trips to the chiro have made minimal changes; and I am really feeling atrocious. How do people with chronic pain illnesses cope, I wonder?

I also wonder how poor Dawny coped in those last few years, I know she was often sore and tired, and had very little relief with any meds – she was also so limited in what she could use. Ai… Missing you mom, wish I could curl up next to you, have you stroke me head and tell me it would all be ok…

The sads

…yesterday turned into a sad day… I finished early at work, so had decided to go and see my friend, Nyami, who is grieving her dad – she heads back to the UK in a day or 2, after helping her mom with all the horrible admin. Her mom lives in a small village about an hour from home. As i arrived I had a panicked call from a GP in town about a suspected abuse case in a young girl, who he wanted me to see. I calmed everyone down and made plans to see them this morning (which I’ve done – all is ok, thankfully), then the afternoon sped by in a time of reminiscing and tears for both of us. It is so hard to loose a parent, despite ill health, despite expectation, despite knowing that full restoration is now theirs. That was heartsore, but so nice to share my journey with her, and her mom.

An almighty storm broke out, and I had to get home, so in driving rain, dramatic lightening and rumbling thunder, I eked my way home. As I got near home I received a message from another patient, with her news that her 2 year old son had been just diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer; bearing in mind she is 2 weeks away from delivering her second baby! I ended up, after all this sadness, on the phone to my (still very broken) dad, in floods of tears.

And then just to round it all out – a very dear couple suffered a miscarriage this morning.

Not sure how much more my heart can bear. I am reassured by the rainy stormy weather that continues though, that somewhere, out there, the universe is raging with me, against all these injustices that I cannot understand…

Head

…games and aches. There is nothing worse than waking up around 1am with a headache – realising it is going to cloud your day… and then despite taking a painkiller and getting some more sleep, it persists. And you realise you are in for a mightily stressful day…

 

Keeping up

… well, trying to. The weekend was; I got through it. I saw some patients, I sewed some aprons, ate some dinner, ran a good run, booked flights, and am feeling like I could just go straight back to bed this Monday morning.

 

But seriously

…the universe hates me, or I’ve been awful in a former life, or I just am frikking unlucky.

I mentioned how I am rather shattered, and have a long road to some kind of recovery, and then I get thrown yet another sleepless night. Really, the one night I am call this week, and it’s crazy busy? 2 babies, all at inconvenient times. And throw in a full day, and 4 theatre cases this afternoon. I have already had a small weep and am trying to work out when I can take more medication for my headache… in half an hour’s time, my addled brain says… I think.

Salvation just isn’t mine…

Oh well…

Failing

..at this life thing. I’m feeling atrocious, my voice is going (thanks bloody lurgies), I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a very long time now, and I am at the end of my tether. 10 nights done, 4 to go.

The worst part of this kind of work stress, is that it makes me feel as though I am failing at everything else. It feels like the house is spiralling out of control, I don’t know what food there is for my family, I keep stocking up on junk to try to make up for things. I haven’t run in a week; and I haven’t been able to spend time with my friends who have come down to this neck of the woods on holiday. I’m not sure my child recognises me anymore. Fuck it, it’s crap. And while I know this time will pass, I’m not sure anyone realises the impact this has on my body, brain and my people. It’s huge. So while I will have this coming weekend off, it’s going to take me months to recover, which I don’t have because well, this is it…

All I really want to do is disappear.

Drowning

…7 nights done, 7 to go… And I feel like I am drowning in this swamp of responsibility and problem solving. All the phone calls come to me, no one else can help me, it’s getting to be all too much now. Throw in an episode of severe insomnia last night, I think I slept for about an hour and a half, and I am ragged around the edges. I am going to have to do some serious tongue biting today, because already, of all the patients I have seen, every single one has had a stupid question. I am breathing deeply and counting to 10. But I am not sure that that is going to be enough. Can I just lie on the floor in my office and wail? The only problem being I reckon that some of my patients would get even more confused, and possibly join me, because their appointment has been delayed, or something to that effect. I get that I am just not winning at life today…