Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for just moaning

Disappointing

…people remain so disappointing. This last week has been completely revolting, and I’m not even talking about me. We have seen women raped and murdered, children abducted, children shot in gang warfare, grandmothers murdered with their granddaughters. People are so fucking disappointing. And I fear how disappointing they may still become, and I wonder of I will be brave enough to send my child off into this great big bad world, where wolves lurk in post offices, spaza shops, bars, corner cafes and Fortuners.

I can’t

…breath anymore. Today is only a few hours old, but I am drowning. Drowning in responsibilities, drowning in work, drowning with the weight of my own expectations of myself.

Tomorrow will be better.

Too soon

…I spoke too bloody soon. This morning’s run was horrible. My legs were just tired and my energy was, as Donald would say, very low. Damnit. It didn’t help that it was 24 degrees with a hot berg wind blowing that made me feel so dehydrated. Ugh. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

entitled

…sitting in the traffic this morning, I was, once again, astounded by the sense of entitlement that people show while driving. Watching people cut into a left turning lane from the right lane, seeing people impatient at stop signs and pushing into a congested intersection, seeing people scream through a robot on dark orange. And, as I wonder every morning, I wondered what made that particular driver so important that he did not have to stick to the rules. I wondered if he was racing to a sick child in hospital, no, because he turned to the shopping centre. I wondered if he was a policeman racing to an incident, well, no, no police vehicle or uniform. I wondered if he was a paramedic, well no, because he wasn’t in a branded vehicle or in any kind of uniform. And I wondered if his ‘crisis’ of time really justified his behaviour?

People are such idiots.

…it’s been a full week. Work has been fairly busy, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed in terms of patient expectations of me. I have a couple who really really want a boy, to the point that the wife wants to consider IVF with pre implantation genetic diagnosis, and the husband just wants a ‘natural’ way to make it happen, and wants guarantees that the informal methods will work, which I can’t give him, for obvious reasons. And then there was the rumour on Facebook that I have retired; which was then amended to say I hadn’t retired, but wasn’t doing deliveries. Really now, I am 44, have an 8 year old I need to educate, so retirement is tragically not on the cards; ¬†and I am in fact our hospital’s lead obstetrician (kind of like the head girl of the obstetricians)! Throw in an extremely busy gynaecologist clinic at our local state hospital this week where I was expected to train about 30 rural doctors, which is fine and I enjoy, but in the confines of a room about 3m x 2m! And they were all breathing down my neck watching me work! (I did feel rather sorry for the patients I was treating, having to be exposed to all these trainees, but I did manage a light hearted moment with one of them who said she’d never felt more famous, and that she hoped she was in line for the Oscar for her centre stage production!)

Pops is still having a hard time adjusting to his new reality, but slowly the carer seems to be winning him over. He’s being a little less antagonistic to her, and they watched cricket together the other day drinking tea. So maybe he will start forgetting to fight…

Anyway, I must work, I am exhausted and the weekend on call looms…

quietly

…quietly, I have little to add to the last few posts. Pops is stable. His brain, however, is a huge hurdle. He is stubborn, resistant and hurting those of us who love him. And I am all out of ideas. Anyway, maybe in the morning I will feel stronger.

I have had a cold – it’s made me grumpy! After my whooping cough last year, my chest is very reactive and I am coughing and wheezing and spluttering. Grrr… Between the cold and Pops I haven’t been able to exercise which is making me even grumpier, I am going to hit a gym class of some sort tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will update you on my beautiful daughter, her school concert and report card. Tomorrow I will be less blue.

Resilience

…the old man is resilient. (and that’s a really nice way of saying stubborn, and fricking difficult) So, cardiac wise, they are happy, and he is stable. He could go home. But, he has developed a severe delirium on top of his early dementia. So yesterday he was angry, aggressive and nasty. This morning he was funny, but edging closer to being scary again. And this afternoon – wham – scary again. Anyway.

I am using this opportunity to get the psychiatrist in to assess him too, so at least I am throwing stones at some of the other birds. He’s seen him, they’re doing a CT scan, and then we will see. Obviously we need to get on top of the delirium really quickly, and once that is settled, we can get him home again. And then the next set of fights begin.

I am too scared to go and see him again today. I can’t do it…