Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for just moaning

Weary

…guys, I am weary, I am trying so hard to be a shiny happy person, but it’s hard. That may be why I’ve blogged a little less of late, I am tired of feeling a bit like a stuck record, saying the same thing over and over again. My cough which has really plagued me seems to be improving finally, but sadly, that which usually makes me feel better – running – has made me feel atrocious. I had to bail out during a run over the weekend, because I just couldn’t breathe and I seriously struggled for the rest of that day. Anyway, the last 2 nights have been a bit better in that I haven’t woken myself up choking and unable to breathe, so I hope this disease is now moving along. In 2 weeks time I am on the wild coast, supposed to be running with my husbuddy, and I want to enjoy it! I am really hoping too that this time will allow me to regroup, catch up properly with Charlieboy.

 

Holiday programming

…the rest of the world and their buddy seem to be going on holiday and here I am, no leave in sight. I am really finding it incredibly hard to get up and going every day, I am broken. But you’ve all heard this story before, so I am not going to rehash it, suffice to say that all the current drama is making my grief around my mom seem pitiful. There are going to be some big monsters to slay in the coming months, I hope I have the strength to fight them.

 

The Foghorn

…with it’s mournful boom, the foghorn woke me up early this morning. I peeped out the window – it was dense the fog, blanketing the world beneath my window – making it quiet, still. Such a contrast to the racing anxiety in my head. I tried to meditate on that foghorn, to allow it to guide me out of my fog, but the thudding of my heart grew louder.

It’s feeling as though I am lurching from crisis to crisis this year – and yet another is looming ahead of me. I don’t want to deal with this one, because this one I am not going to be able to fix, this one I am going to have to endure, and this road will take me into the abyss.

Outrageous

…. I’m really growing fatigued by political correctness, what one can and can’t say. Now when you read my story, bear in mind I’m an OBGYN…

So at a meeting on Saturday, there was an awful lot of discussion about the renaming of vagi*^%#nal atrophy. Now apparently we can’t say atrophy (which implies aging/weakening) because that apparently upsets women who do have this issue. We can’t say the word vag*ina, because that is offensive. (I am only putting stars in to divert the porn seekers) Seriously! A body part name is offensive? Really?

I found that I started reciting ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!’

What has happened to us?

Calling

….Elvis, anyone home? Flip. Being on call over a weekend really sucks the positive vibes right out of me. I was in such a good place last week, and then this weekend chewed me up and spat me out. I think I’m growing out of calls.

The weekend had rough moments. I had an awful Friday night, just awful; and that left me, for want of a better word, brittle, over the weekend. Things that usually bring me joy didn’t. I’d been humming and hawing over a 10km race on Sunday, but decided I was too nervous to risk a bad time, and didn’t. (In my defense I did run to work on Sunday, with a brief pause to cheer my buddy who won the ladies race!)

I guess I just have to get over myself, another 12 years of this to get through before I get to retire.

The agony

… oh my… a dear friend of mine who has been through an awful awful divorce and whose new husband lives 1000km from her heard last night that if she proceeds with a move to be with her new husband, her children will have to remain with their father, according to the court. Watching her crumble and crumple was almost too much to bear. It’s any mother’s nightmare, it’s a disaster. 

And knowing what I do about her former husband, and her children, I am speechless. 

Justice and Mercy, where are you? 

The thing is

…it’s just not easy at the moment. Salut is closed. My mouth is sore (I saw the dentist today and he’s not sure what is going on). My running is tough at the moment (I am putting in extra effort, but feel like I am not seeing any rewards). Work is stressful. I am tired. Bear with me, there will no doubt be a few indulgent posts (woe is me kind of stuff) to come as I try to figure out what is going on in my head and my heart; because nothing feels like it should at the moment.