Charlie's Bird
living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.Archive for just moaning
The Treadmill
…is it just me, or is the treadmill of life set to Usain Bolt speed at the moment? Just when I think I am getting on top of things, something else gets thrown at me, and I am left juggling more balls than I can really cope with. Crikey!
- Work is probably the least of my stressors at the moment, although, I am finding it inconveniently busy. Does that make sense, without sounding flippant? I am busy, not swamped, but I have so much else on the go, I wish it were easier?
- Work on the hospital committee looking at a pilot project for our region is steaming ahead, not a lot of demands, but enough to keep me on my toes.
- School commitments are extremely demanding at the moment. The Governing body is leading some ‘changes’ at our school. Not big changes, just administrative changes, and trying to navigate the egos of all the players is really hard. I have also possibly been a little complacent in my role as SGB chair, but it sounds like we may have a few management problems brewing. And I will need to face them head on, and for someone who doesn’t love confrontation, that’s hard! I am also the fundraiser in chief for the Marimba tour girls, and there is a huge market coming in 2 weeks time that we will be present at, I am obviously under quite a bit of pressure to make it a success, so that the parental costs for their upcoming tour can come down. This is where work gets inconvenient, I don’t have enough time to schedule a meeting with the other moms and dads to get them fully involved. Argh!
- Thandi is next level busy, and I am really starting to stress about her, and worry that she is starting to drop the ball on some of her commitments. Case in point, she had an oral due today, and completely forgot about it, and realised at 6 last night, and did not have the right book at home to complete it. Anyway, she will pull it off, because English is the last lesson of the day, so she has 2 breaks to get it done, but I know this can’t go on. Every time I try to talk to her about time management , she gets super defensive and won’t even listen to me when I offer suggestions. I get that she sees my suggestions as instructions, but she is being a real teenager about it. Morning swimming training starts again next week, and I cannot wait for that – the endorphin rush to start her day on a better note, and then the need to be super disciplined about time!
- The girl turns 13 this month, and one of the other moms approached me about a combined party, which in theory is a great idea, in practice I am finding it quite hard, instead of being able to just do stuff when I can, the other mom and I need to be able to get together to do stuff, which isn’t ideal… Anyway, the party is on Saturday, so, soon that will be ticked off the list. (it’s a surf themed disco, photos will follow after the party!)
- Health wise, I have had a few challenges… Early in April I got sick, I nipped it in the bud with meds, and that settled down, but obviously my immune system was down, and 2 weeks later I got sick again. Since I had whooping cough a few years ago, I really struggle with a cough after any illness, and I am currently coughing for the first team. I sound like I should be an 80 year old who smoked camel plain their entire life! And its exhausting! I had my annual PET scan in May, and all good news on the melanoma front, but they picked up inflammation in my sinuses, (obviously) and that the fracture in my foot has not healed, and I have a non union now. The orthopod says to carry on, it doesn’t make a difference, but I am finding it a little more tender of late, especially as I start trying to run again. (I also desperately need my endorphins back!)
And there is my pity party… I keep reminding myself, one eats an elephant one bite at a time, so here is to biting and chewing, and not choking…
Broke
… shattered, broken, smashed, roadkill…
Okay, so this year has officially done it. I am beyond where I have ever been before, not sure how to find my way back to me.
So what has happened in the almost month since I last posted a blog.
- Work – has fluctuated from devastatingly quiet, to insanely demanding. When things are quiet though, I find it very difficult to cope with challenges though. I expect things to be smooth sailing, and when I notice I get irrational because things aren’t straightforward I know I am burning out. While my partner and I work well together because our medical processing is very similar, our financial processing isn’t, and this is putting a huge amount of stress on my shoulders.
- Home – the bathroom renovation is complete, sans the towel rails and toilet roll holders and that sort of thing. Thandi’s new bedroom has yet to begin. visitors arrive mid to late December, so basically, we’ll sort her new room out in the new year.
- Running – I seem to be going backwards rapidly. I’m finding it extremely difficult to run because I am tired and can manage about 2kms before I just want lie down on the tar and go to sleep. I haven’t even been able to go to CrossFit lately.
- School – it’s been a term. Thandi has been so busy, with so many demands on her – she finished exams on Tuesday, thankfully. In the midst of school exams she had a tap and modern dancing exam, our city’s aquatic championship gala and provincial waterpolo practices. I have never felt more stressed for her. She did wobble a few times with all these demands, and if I hear one more coach/instructor or teacher tell us about the benefit of exercise during exams, I may just scream!
- Estate – my father’s beach house has been sold. Key handover is happening today. This chapter is now closed.
- Christmas plans – do I have to?
I listen to GC regularly, as you all know by now, and he has a regular slot on a Monday with a psychologist, who has a lovely way with words. 2 things that he has said have stuck with me. The opposite of depression is not happiness, its purpose. I wish more people knew and understood this. And the second is his coin theory. This theory is that at the start of every day we have fixed number of (emotional) coins to spend. If we waste them on road rage and silly things we have nothing left for the things that matter, like our families. We regenerate our coins when we rest and relax. Right now, I feel like I am starting every day with a coin deficit. I have so many things that I am worrying about, so many demands on me and my time, I am exhausted before my day begins, and I have no coins left. I know, I know, self care is important and all that, but attempts at self care feel stressful. So, here I am, coinless and feeling paralysed.
Apologies for not being around, Charlie moaned at me yesterday that it had been almost a month since I last blogged, it’s the longest break I have ever taken. But, coins. I didn’t have any to spend here. I am going to try to reserve one for this space going forward, but bear with me, as I feel overwhelmed and overwrought.
Paranoia
…there comes a time every year, when a perfect storm of things happen that make me question every fibre of my being. And it is here again. And it is fucking hard.
An Ode
…to the pharmaceutical company that manufactures my antihypertensive medication.
Ugh, there are so many people out there in the world determined to aggravate my hypertension…
- To the neighbour with the extremely large and loud generator which switches on automatically when there is load shedding, even at 3am… Now I realise these must be possibly the wealthiest neighbours ever, but when that generator powers up, even when I cannot imagine quite how much power they could possibly need, I am roused from deepest slumber to bear witness to their incredible diesel supply. Grrr!
- to those drivers who cross an intersection when then the traffic is bumper to bumper and at a standstill ahead of them… grrr!
- to the driver, a clearly very important person, who insists on trying to sneak into the traffic, turning left illegally from the right turning lane…grrrr!
- to the team who built the parking lot at my daughter’s school for a slightly too narrow road and impossible turning lanes….grrrr!
So, thank you, from the bottom of my hypertensive heart, pharmaceutical company; protecting me every day from aggravation!
yours, insulted
…something very weird happened in the world during the pandemic. I chatted to colleagues in different specialities and different cities, and I am definitely not alone in feeling this way. People have really gotten mean, nasty, inconsiderate and downright rude. Through this testing time, we are finally seeing people’s true colours.
This weekend demonstrated a case in point. I was on call, and one of my partner’s patients came in, in early labour. She was booked for a repeat caesar later this week, it was her second pregnancy. She really really did not want me to deliver her, and the debate was whether she could hang on until this morning (Monday) when my partner was available. I saw her at 7am yesterday, offered the caesar, declined. She spent the day niggling in the latent phase of labour, I came in to do my rounds at about 4;30pm, and once again, I examined her, again, offered the caesar, and again, was met with ‘but can’t I just wait’. I explained the risks of waiting as her labor progressed and that having her baby at 3am, when SHE decided she might be ready would increase her risks all round – to her and baby. I tried to really get to grips with what her hesitation was – and it was just me. Eventually she had the staff and the anaesthetist explaining that I was a good doctor and that my partner wouldn’t work with me if he didn’t trust me. Finally she agreed, but not before telling the anaesthetist that she had had such a good experience with my partner, and everything had gone so well, and she wanted that again, and not me. Not once was I given a chance. Not once was I actually acceptable to her. And this to a women I had never even met previously. A woman who I was now about to operate on.
Okay, so reading back over that, it doesn’t sound bad. But, I had been ready to proceed at 7am, when I was there, with an entire team (anaesthetist, theatre staff, paediatrician), doing another case at that time. She again was reluctant when I was back later that day, again, with the whole team there, they were busy with a colleague doing another case. My time didn’t matter to her, in fact I was definitely dismissed by her, but I was the person who had to be there for the emergency situation. If she had again declined, I would have been the one who would have had to get up at 3am when she was progressing in labor, wake up the theatre team, the anaesthetist and paediatrician to deliver her.
Everything I do, I do with my patient’s best interests at heart, the timing of their delivery, the mode of their delivery – none of that is for my convenience. Yet, I am met with a casual dismissal that I don’t care about them, their babies and their experience. And actually, that is all I care about.
My family, my friends, myself – all secondary to my patients’ needs.
Isn’t it time?
…when do we as South Africans get to stand up and hold our government responsible for what they are doing to us?
I’ve just read the latest Eskom briefing, and basically, like it or not stage 8 is coming for us. And we have all (and by all, I mean middle class South Africa) have facilitated their misbehaviour, and we continue to do so. We’ve all gone ahead and made plans, making it easy for them to ignore the issues. Put some paint on that damp wall, and no-one will know… But isn’t time for us, the people to actually stand up now and say no more? I see some brave folks in Buccleuch in Jhb did that today.
I know it’ll probably be for nothing, even if we did.
And meanwhile the ANC, instead of leading the government they hold the majority in, instead of representing the people and looking after our interests, have done nothing; except talk a lot, threaten to sue people (and do) left right and centre. For what gain? To save a name or a reputation that is already in tatters? Just stop wasting energy and time and start solving problems. Stop telling us that there are challenges, we know, we live with them every day! How much longer can they live with their consciences? When are their parents going to start asking them to behave properly and do the right things? I hate how we have devolved into this.
I love living in this beautiful place, but, my word, it’s getting almost intolerable. And I know how lucky I am to live in a safe home with a bank of solar power and water tanks to keep me going.
How much harder can life get for the poor, those who cannot access the resources I can?
I hope
…that I have not jinxed myself…
This was supposed to be a weekend off. Thandi is playing netball in an away Derby Day tomorrow – so off to a regal spot we go, for her match. Thankfully we don’t have to drive in the dark and should be able to be home mid afternoon. We were then heading to friends to watch our school’s matric dance walk in which is being streamed on Youtube, and having a bite afterwards. And on Sunday there is a Wild Women training run. Except now, my partner needs to get to JHB and has a flight on Saturday; so my plans are now having to be a bit more fluid.
I will still do everything as planned, with a colleague in town covering me while I am at the Derby and running with the WW, but I am back on call. And back on call next weekend and all its public holidays. Argh!
And the scale today did not show the loss I had worked for this week.
idiocracy
…man, there are really some prize fools out there in this world. So, this morning, picture the scene. 07h12, I leave home for work. its usually about a 12 minute commute, sometimes 16 minutes if I get the robots against me.
The first warning that things are not well is a long queue of cars where there isn’t usually a queue… hmmm. Looking ahead beyond the first intersection, I can see the robots at the next one are working, so, load shedding has not affected them, so I am a bit stumped. I can’t see flashing lights that might indicate an accident, there are just so many damn cars. Anyway, edging forward meter by painful meter, I eventually get through this first intersection, again, the cars do not seem to move, even when the lights ahead are green – what is going on? Eventually, as I get closer to the lights, I can now see that there are points men – at lights that are actually working – and their ridiculous attempts at directing the traffic, has caused the most awful traffuck up! Now there are 2 lights immediately after one another (on a bridge which accesses the freeway underneath it, and these points men are not even coordinating their actions, 50m apart. I think if you opened your windows and turned your radio off, you could hear the collective drivers scream and howl in frustration.
Even with load shedding with no points men in sight, things run more smoothly than that. Honestly. My nerves!
I made it to work 48 minutes later. A journey of 8km. I think I could have almost run it faster, and that would have been better for my blood pressure.
overwhelming
…exhaustion has hit. It’s been 9 months of only 2 of us in the practice, and I am ready to weep at the thought of being on call AGAIN this weekend. Another weekend of shuffling things – gala, dance rehearsals, ballet rehearsals, nippers and a ballet fundraiser big walk. Another weekend of never feeling that I am managing anything very well. Another weekend of disappointing myself. I am really taking strain, so apologies for the radio silence.
Seriously
…how am I going to get through this month!
This is what my month is looking like, and this is excluding the dancing timetable! That’s on a separate calendar. Argh!
Anyway. As the old saying goes, “How does one eat an elephant?” “One bite at a time” I am just very relieved that I am exercising again, because I know that will allow me to cope with the stress far better than if I wasn’t. In the midst of this all, I really want to just have the chance to sit down with my little family and plan our trip, where we each get a chance to put down something we really want to do, and then see how it all fits together. Ah, well. we will see how it all goes! One bite at a time.
Charlie's Bird 