Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for mourning

My Girl

…is just the best. Last night while saying prayers, we always talk about gratitude, so she thanked Jesus for her lovely day and then asked that, “Please Jesus, help my mommy’s heart to feel better.” Bless her cotton socks!

I’m doing ok. Taking lots of strain, but getting through the days. I am still quite introspective, and all I really want to do is lie on the coach, watch the telly and read, but I can’t; so I am forcing myself to do stuff. I am struggling with the running motivation, when that alarm goes off I look for every excuse not to run, but I am just forcing myself out the door – sorry girls, I am always 2 minutes late, and I guess this is why… Every day seems very very long… And I am weary…

2 weeks until we head to CT, 2 and a half weeks until I run very bloody far…

Home from the farm

…so we are back. The time was good, but I am so on edge that I am struggling. My dad was ok. Not great, not relaxed. Just ok. I know I spoke about this last post, I am terrified for him, and a bit frantic. He is taking such strain! And I don’t know how to make him feel better. Or even just how to make this easier…

Anyway, enough moaning… How incredible is this view….

¬†that’s from the deck… looking out over part of the farm, with the railroad running through it. And long goods trains trundle along it (yes, I could hardly believe it myself!), with over 100 carriages behind the engines – amazing!

We went off exploring – found many giraffe! And a girl on a bike!

And I did get to the sports shop in the neighbouring town, and got fitted with some new shoes! Let’s hope these ones do the trick! (saucony, since you’re wondering)

watching him

…watching me. guys, my Dad is falling apart, unsurprisingly… But it so hard to watch this happen. Yesterday I got the comment about there being nothing left to live for. I’m not sure how one is supposed to respond to that…

There isn’t an answer, I guess; I tried to remind him that he is indeed blessed, and that there are things to live for, even if Dawny isn’t there. I popped in last night, reminded him how to use the microwave, heated up a woolies instant meal, and made him sit down and eat it. I always thought my mom was the stubborn one – I’m realising he’s pretty hard headed too! I’ve convinced him to come away with us for the long weekend, but I can see his reluctance and general depression just getting him down. I hope he has a decent break with us, and in the quiet of the bush, finds he has more reasons than he imagined to carry on.

Those stages

…that I have to move through. I know yesterday i spoke about getting my head back in the game – well, I ran today, and nearly did why I said I can’t do while I run – cry. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if I really am just tired, I am exhausted. Every step feels like it consumes so much energy. Crisis! I can’t quite believe I ran a marathon 2 and a bit weeks ago. Oh well, I guess this will pass…

Tonight I have a dance class, and then a meeting about Thandi’s next ballet show! I can’t wait to hear when it will be, so that we can plan our big holiday later this year. We are thinking Scotland – Charlie’s origins. And the Loch Ness Marathon!

Head in the game

…it’s time to get my head into this game – the 2 Oceans marathon is a month away – and I need to get my head straight, so that my training happens and so that I am mentally ready for this challenge. It feels monumental.

I had a mixed weekend – a good Saturday, and then Sunday hit me, leaving me very blue. Tearing up and sad – I retreated to the couch and indulged myself with a nap and a long read… By the afternoon I felt a bit bad that Thandi was being subjected to this boring day, combined with an irritable and teary mom, so we baked a cake. Not any cake, mind you, Dawny’s chocolate cake… And then the tears flowed…

And every bite had her closer to me.

I miss her so.

80 Candles

…sparkling on that birthday cake in heaven, Mom… Miss you every day and so wish we having that tea party with all your friends today. Instead I will try to comfort myself with Thandi’s thoughts, of the most beautiful cake that you get to have – the most delicious, most pretty which you’ll be sharing with your family – what a party it’s going to be! Tell that sister of yours not to misbehave too much, see!

Dad’s coming for supper tonight, and we’re having a delicious roast for dinner. We will celebrate anyway – I think I’ll shed a tear – too many already today.¬†img_3271

Oh mom…

(PS I managed to qualify – 2 Oceans, here I come! More on that to follow tomorrow)

Days

…good, bad, long… And nights that seem even longer.

It’s been tough, those dawning realisations that I will never chat to her again, never stroke her soft cheek, never hold that frail body in a love again. I remain ever grateful for the moments I did have – for that moment when I climbed into her hospital bed and rubbed her sore back, for holding her icy cold hand until I could warm it up again, for being able to tell her I loved her and that everything would be ok, for having her for the extra years we were never sure we would have.

I sit here with tears welling up, and I can just hear her saying, ‘No, come on my girly, stop crying, it’s better now, all better.’ Today doesn’t feel much better.

Oh, mom…