Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for mourning

Challenging faith

… the events of the last 3 days have rocked me. I am finding it so hard to reconcile this with any form of justice, mercy or wisdom. How was snuffing this candle out a good thing? How is allowing a parent to loose their only child just? Where is the wisdom in this great ‘decision’? Awful things happen – things that really rock my faith in a merciful God. I cannot seek comfort there, because I see only the agony of this event.

I am angry about the things I saw unfold, I am furious with this god of ‘mercy’. I am angry the the hypocrites who came and prayed loudly on the street corner.

But mostly I am just so damn sad – sad to loose a friend, terrified for her parents and gran, and sad that I can find no comfort in the god I used to know.

Cruel, crazy

…I have spent the better part of the weekend at the hospital, despite not being on call. And it’s been a horrifying experience.

We have dear family friends – Aunty S and my dad grew up together, as adults she became best friends with my mom; they lived down the road from us. Uncle P, her husband became my dad’s best friend, and they watched the boys and I grow up, as we watched her children grow up too.

SJK, Aunty S’s granddaughter is her daughter’s only child. A beautiful, blonde, vivacious girl. I always call her my city’s Charlize. And tonight she lies in ICU, brain dead after a catastrophic brain haemorrhage.

A family devastated. A school reeling (she taught Grade 5 at the local boys school). Friends horrified. And yet, they are all here, waiting for the inevitable.

There is no hand of mercy here. There is nothing right about this situation.

My Girl

…is just the best. Last night while saying prayers, we always talk about gratitude, so she thanked Jesus for her lovely day and then asked that, “Please Jesus, help my mommy’s heart to feel better.” Bless her cotton socks!

I’m doing ok. Taking lots of strain, but getting through the days. I am still quite introspective, and all I really want to do is lie on the coach, watch the telly and read, but I can’t; so I am forcing myself to do stuff. I am struggling with the running motivation, when that alarm goes off I look for every excuse not to run, but I am just forcing myself out the door – sorry girls, I am always 2 minutes late, and I guess this is why… Every day seems very very long… And I am weary…

2 weeks until we head to CT, 2 and a half weeks until I run very bloody far…

Home from the farm

…so we are back. The time was good, but I am so on edge that I am struggling. My dad was ok. Not great, not relaxed. Just ok. I know I spoke about this last post, I am terrified for him, and a bit frantic. He is taking such strain! And I don’t know how to make him feel better. Or even just how to make this easier…

Anyway, enough moaning… How incredible is this view….

┬áthat’s from the deck… looking out over part of the farm, with the railroad running through it. And long goods trains trundle along it (yes, I could hardly believe it myself!), with over 100 carriages behind the engines – amazing!

We went off exploring – found many giraffe! And a girl on a bike!

And I did get to the sports shop in the neighbouring town, and got fitted with some new shoes! Let’s hope these ones do the trick! (saucony, since you’re wondering)

watching him

…watching me. guys, my Dad is falling apart, unsurprisingly… But it so hard to watch this happen. Yesterday I got the comment about there being nothing left to live for. I’m not sure how one is supposed to respond to that…

There isn’t an answer, I guess; I tried to remind him that he is indeed blessed, and that there are things to live for, even if Dawny isn’t there. I popped in last night, reminded him how to use the microwave, heated up a woolies instant meal, and made him sit down and eat it. I always thought my mom was the stubborn one – I’m realising he’s pretty hard headed too! I’ve convinced him to come away with us for the long weekend, but I can see his reluctance and general depression just getting him down. I hope he has a decent break with us, and in the quiet of the bush, finds he has more reasons than he imagined to carry on.

Those stages

…that I have to move through. I know yesterday i spoke about getting my head back in the game – well, I ran today, and nearly did why I said I can’t do while I run – cry. I don’t know if there is something wrong with me, or if I really am just tired, I am exhausted. Every step feels like it consumes so much energy. Crisis! I can’t quite believe I ran a marathon 2 and a bit weeks ago. Oh well, I guess this will pass…

Tonight I have a dance class, and then a meeting about Thandi’s next ballet show! I can’t wait to hear when it will be, so that we can plan our big holiday later this year. We are thinking Scotland – Charlie’s origins. And the Loch Ness Marathon!

Head in the game

…it’s time to get my head into this game – the 2 Oceans marathon is a month away – and I need to get my head straight, so that my training happens and so that I am mentally ready for this challenge. It feels monumental.

I had a mixed weekend – a good Saturday, and then Sunday hit me, leaving me very blue. Tearing up and sad – I retreated to the couch and indulged myself with a nap and a long read… By the afternoon I felt a bit bad that Thandi was being subjected to this boring day, combined with an irritable and teary mom, so we baked a cake. Not any cake, mind you, Dawny’s chocolate cake… And then the tears flowed…

And every bite had her closer to me.

I miss her so.