Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Running

…away from tears, and hopefully to some fulfilment. Tomorrow I embark on a marathon, which I am so nervous about. I am obviously stressed from loosing my mom, and I have been carrying this chronic damn injury; but I have managed a decent amount of training, probably not quite enough, but I will tackle it nonetheless, and really hope that I will run sub 5 hours to qualify for the Two Oceans ultra…

So think of me as I trot from a small farming village back to home tomorrow, heaven knows I will need as much positivity as possible.

Days

…good, bad, long… And nights that seem even longer.

It’s been tough, those dawning realisations that I will never chat to her again, never stroke her soft cheek, never hold that frail body in a love again. I remain ever grateful for the moments I did have – for that moment when I climbed into her hospital bed and rubbed her sore back, for holding her icy cold hand until I could warm it up again, for being able to tell her I loved her and that everything would be ok, for having her for the extra years we were never sure we would have.

I sit here with tears welling up, and I can just hear her saying, ‘No, come on my girly, stop crying, it’s better now, all better.’ Today doesn’t feel much better.

Oh, mom…

Dust

…settles.

I am still very raw, and find myself overwhelmed by emotion often. I know these moments will pass, and I will get stronger; for now I am not fighting them. My brothers have all returned to their respective homes, and my Dad and I are now watching the dust settle around us, the motes are still shiny in the sunbeams, catching and dancing on their way down…

I am very concerned about my father – his memory is not great and he seems frozen; unable to process what has happened. I am trying my best to guide him through all the processes, but I don’t know what to do either. I am relying on friends and favours to get us through all this administration, which really is almost enough to destroy your ideas of grief.

Oh, Mom…

Fly, be free

At 02h00 my mom threw off the shackles of this earthly body that had failed her, and now she flies, she is free. I am overwhelmed with grief, but so glad to have had her for as long as I did. My beautiful blue eyed little mom. 

I have been grieving for a long time. The last 10 years were borrowed time for her, and graciously received. 10 years ago she had heart surgery that we were not sure she would survive, but she did, and filled those years up. She saw me get married and my Thandi girl arrive. There were many difficult days, when pain and broken hips got in the way; but there were so many  good days too – sitting at my kitchen counter, helping me ice Thandi’s birthday cakes, guiding me through the process; holding my hand through those first 6 months of Thandi’s life, looking for advice for me on breastfeeding and why babies cry. Ah my Mom. Who am I going to be able to chat to over the phone, endlessly, to Dad’s horror? Who will help me this year with that cake? Who will I share that mother-daughter-granddaughter bond with? 

Thank you for being My Mom. I know you were proud of all of 3 of us, the boys and I; I only hope that I continue to make you proud and that I can be a mom just like you. Enjoy that glorious reunion amongst the angels. 

I love you. May flights of angels sing you to your rest. See you in my dreams, just past the Southern Cross, somewhere along Orion’s Belt. 

My Mom

is dying… I’m heartbroken. I know, she’s been sick for a very longtime, and I miss her so much. I know a happier and easier resting place awaits her, but I can’t bear this…

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Love you forever, thanks for being just magnificent, my little mommy…

Flying High

…after a glorious few days! I do love this beautiful country of mine. The views were breathtaking (as were the enormous hills one has to climb to see said views!) The rivers were cold, and sometimes a little scary (swimming across the Mbashe, with a rotting whale carcass at the mouth – shark alert anyone?) I loved that I got to see parts of the Wild Coast that I last saw as a baby, and cannot remember. The other wild women were incredible too, loved being with them. And by being, I do just mean, being. No stress, no judgement, lots of laughs, and a buddy to lean on when the going got tough (thanks Ings!) Here’s just a small taste with some photos…

img_8291the hairy hills girls, tackling the monsters of the Wild Coast. img_8305 img_2395 I was the plank specialist!img_8383 ryc7nchMe and my running buddy img_8407 The queens of Dwesa! img_8607 Love this cow!img_8622 img_8691Hole in the Wall… img_2539 Jump for JOY!

img_2568 The end! img_8822 img_9065Hills, hills and more hills!

I’m back!

I’m back, it was awesome! But my return has been a bit crazy! I will bombard you all with photos from my incredible run soonest, just be patient!