Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Still breathing

…and I mean that in so many ways.

Still, as in quietly breathing – I’m trying to be quieter so that I can hear better – whatever message the universe (or my heart) is trying to send to me. Breathing deeply to dispel the darkness in the corners.

And still, as in I am continuing to breath, even though I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to.

Looking forward

…to what? I am realising that looking forward to the end of the year is a futile exercise in wishful thinking. At the end of every year we all breathe a collective sigh of relief thankful that that year is done, we rejoice and celebrate, seemingly without the insight that nothing has really changed. And that the following year will only bring more – more drama, more worry, but hopefully more successes too. As a child I was always vaguely disappointed to wake up on the 1st of January to discover that the day felt suspiciously like the previous one. I never really saw the point in the celebration if nothing really changed. (I still don’t really)

If 2017 has had me in training for anything, then 2018 should be epic. I just hope 2017 has left me in a fit state to deal with it all, because, truth be told I’m not sure I am, and I’m not sure how to get fit either.

Escape

You know it’s been a good weekend when…

I ran away from my brain, looked for escape in a glass of wine, and regretted it in a funk of tiredness and myprodol. However, surprising moments rescued my broken heart. A dinner with friends, a day on the farm.

I know I’m a survivor, I know this will pass and somehow I will get through it. Doesn’t mean I want to though.

The Foghorn

…with it’s mournful boom, the foghorn woke me up early this morning. I peeped out the window – it was dense the fog, blanketing the world beneath my window – making it quiet, still. Such a contrast to the racing anxiety in my head. I tried to meditate on that foghorn, to allow it to guide me out of my fog, but the thudding of my heart grew louder.

It’s feeling as though I am lurching from crisis to crisis this year – and yet another is looming ahead of me. I don’t want to deal with this one, because this one I am not going to be able to fix, this one I am going to have to endure, and this road will take me into the abyss.

Happy Birthday Pops!

My dad turns 80 today! Fighting fit, but sad and forgetful. What an achievement!

I am so honored to have him as part of our lives!

Born in the rural Eastern Cape, around the time of the Second World War, he grew up without his own dad around, he was fighting in North Africa, and when this stranger came home, he wasn’t so sure of him. He was educated to matric which was also quite something in those days, but there was no money for anything more, and he was sent to JHB with £10 and an address of an uncle to stay with until he’d found work and his feet. He started work on the mines, worked his way up, got educated, met my mom, and made a life for all of us.

He’s taught me several things – moderation is important, be sensible, work hard and apply yourself to everything you take on. He also instilled in me the value of an education. Lately he’s demonstrated the devotion of lifelong marriage, through thick and thin; and the value of friendships – maintain them, be a friend to others, be an active member of a community.

Outrageous

…. I’m really growing fatigued by political correctness, what one can and can’t say. Now when you read my story, bear in mind I’m an OBGYN…

So at a meeting on Saturday, there was an awful lot of discussion about the renaming of vagi*^%#nal atrophy. Now apparently we can’t say atrophy (which implies aging/weakening) because that apparently upsets women who do have this issue. We can’t say the word vag*ina, because that is offensive. (I am only putting stars in to divert the porn seekers) Seriously! A body part name is offensive? Really?

I found that I started reciting ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!’

What has happened to us?

Refueling

…while my weekend was really busy, I have been blessed with some really positive events that helped refuel my tank. There was some running, there was some winning, there was some real joy!

On Friday night we celebrated my father’s birthday – a few of his friends were able to join us and I think that Pops has a good night. He’s 80 on Wednesday, quite an achievement! Unfortunately, my brother was due to be there too, but someone left booking his flight too late, so he couldn’t get down in time for Friday, but arrived on Saturday, which was great. My dad, despite knowing that he was coming down, had forgotten (really!) and was super surprised and, I think, really loved seeing him.

Saturday I had to drive down to the neighboring city – there was an obgyn meeting, and I was presenting a topic, which I did actually enjoy. I love doing a literature review, putting a presentation together and learning!

While I was in the other city, Thandi attended her ballet prize giving ceremony – to her (and my) delight; she passed her ballet exam with distinction and thus was awarded a ballet badge to wear on her uniform next year; and then won the picture prize for musicality! Her little friend pointed out to me repeatedly that it was ‘the biggest picture of them all!’ She was beaming. Roll around Sunday and the tap and modern prize giving where she won a trophy, for the most promising pre-grade dancer! so chuffed with herself! I know all parents do think their kids are special and the best, but it was nice to see that someone else validated my opinion! 😉

On Sunday we also had the huge pleasure of participating in a very special fun run – our local newspaper hosted their annual fun run, and an initiative was launched by the disability organizations, that #wecanrun, and we were involved in pushing wheelchairs, guiding the disabled, piggybacking, and allowing to participate. It was so humbling and inspiring. I think it felt better than finishing 2 Oceans this year, helping the team finish and seeing the joy and pleasure on everyone’s faces. Loved it!