Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Rain!

…glorious rain! Jheesh, it has been so flipping dry in our neck of the woods, rain threatened every now and again, but a few splashes to make a car dirty were not enough to quench our thirsty land, but late yesterday afternoon it started with a spit and a spot, and then it came down, all night long, all night! And as I lay in bed hearing the quiet roar of the rain, my heart smiled. Swiftly followed by a headache, but, and remember I am trying to close down negativity here, I was privileged enough to have a painkiller to take, and water to drink down, and slowly I subsided back into sleep, with the refrain of dripping rain…

There doesn’t seem to be much blue sky out there today, so I am hoping that this rain continues all day..

7 years

…ago I started this blog. I am a bit stunned that for 7 years I have managed to find something to write about. I guess it all starts with a young teen who enjoyed keeping a diary. I loved that, writing down all my secrets in a book, tying it up with a ribbon, and then a lock, when I felt threatened. And look at me now – no locks, no privacy settings, just a hint of anonymity, spilling it all to the interwebs… (and feeling sad when there aren’t enough comments)

Anyway, to my loyal readers, thanks for reading and sharing my words here. You’ve seen me as a young married, blogging about food and wine; infertile; pregnant; and then mom, with a dose of running and occasional food and wine blog thrown in for good measure.7 years seems a lifetime…

Enough!

…I cry, ENOUGH! And yes, I am shouting that.

ENOUGH of the insane work!

ENOUGH of the disease ridden state I am still in – 3 weeks down the line, post a course of antibiotics!

ENOUGH excuses about why I can’t possibly eat properly!

ENOUGH of the missed runs and gym and bio sessions!

ENOUGH of the blues that have hung out on this page for too long now.

I am really tired of being sick and tired and grumpy and moany. I am going to endeavour to try to bring the positives back. I can’t promise I will get it right all the time, but I am going to try.

In that vein, today is my sister-in-law’s 50th birthday. We celebrated with 6 of her friends yesterday and had a feast of a lunch – butternut and gooseberry broth; marinated fillet, mushroom risotto and roasted veggies and a decadent carrot cake. Yum! I enjoyed all the cooking and decorating that went on, and Thandi loved decorating her cake with me – pecan nuts,gold balls and happy birthday bunting! I always think it’s a bit tragic when your birthday is a monday – but at least we had a good party yesterday!

Here’s to a positive week now!

 

But seriously

…the universe hates me, or I’ve been awful in a former life, or I just am frikking unlucky.

I mentioned how I am rather shattered, and have a long road to some kind of recovery, and then I get thrown yet another sleepless night. Really, the one night I am call this week, and it’s crazy busy? 2 babies, all at inconvenient times. And throw in a full day, and 4 theatre cases this afternoon. I have already had a small weep and am trying to work out when I can take more medication for my headache… in half an hour’s time, my addled brain says… I think.

Salvation just isn’t mine…

Oh well…

barely breathing

…so this honestly has been one of the toughest experiences of my career; and while the intense workload is now slightly eased, because my associate is now home again, I am going to take a significant amount of time to recover, I suspect. I developed a cold 2 weeks ago, which has unfolded into a delightful dose of Bronchitis, and I am feeling very washed out from it. so despite an ok weekend on call and a day off yesterday, I am still feeling very fragile.

My day off yesterday was quite special, in that it was just some me time! I came into work, sorted out a few things, then headed off to the gym, to attempt a run. I was feeling slightly nervous to hit the road, because I kept wondering if I coughed up a lung on the side of the road, would anyone stop to pick up the pieces? SO I decided to just do an easy run on the treadmill, which I managed – yay! It was a slow 45 min run, interspersed with lunges and squats and afterwards some stretches. I didn’t cough up much of my lungs, so all was good. Then it was home for a few chores – I am jamming and preserving up a storm for Thandi’s school games day (our class is doing the home industry table) and I made some wine jelly and onion marmalade. Then I had booked a luxurious afternoon at one of the local lodge’s spas – a lunch with a glass of divine wine, followed by a massage and a facial – I melted my way home after that, and things felt ok with the world…

IMG_5648

Then I headed home after a quick finance meeting at the practice to a lovely date night with my husband. Shame, poor Charlie has definitely felt a little neglected through the last few weeks, work really has pushed everything and everyone to the wayside. It was so nice to just giggle and smile at each other over a delicious glass of wine. I do love my patient husband!

Like I said, yesterday did me a lot of good, but I know that I am going to take a long time to fully recover… Tenacious perseverance and endurance are called for.

The story of my day

…isn’t really mine, its someone else’s; and that someone is my gracious partner, who has landed home from his holiday in Australia to the news that his brother in Zimbabwe has died after what looks like a mugging gone wrong. So instead of returning home after a good holiday ready to tackle whatever comes next, he is flying into Harare, in the midst of all the chaos there, to his grief stricken family to mourn a life gone too soon. it’s heart breaking…

(edited to say, post mortem results show he had a heart attack, collapsed and hit his head, so fortunately, no foul play – small mercy to the mourning family)

My story is one of an exhausted OBGYn who has been on call for 2 weeks, and will now continue working through the coming weekend; cancelling her plans to run in Knysna and have a weekend away with some friends… It’s almost as equally heart breaking to the author…

 

Failing

..at this life thing. I’m feeling atrocious, my voice is going (thanks bloody lurgies), I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in a very long time now, and I am at the end of my tether. 10 nights done, 4 to go.

The worst part of this kind of work stress, is that it makes me feel as though I am failing at everything else. It feels like the house is spiralling out of control, I don’t know what food there is for my family, I keep stocking up on junk to try to make up for things. I haven’t run in a week; and I haven’t been able to spend time with my friends who have come down to this neck of the woods on holiday. I’m not sure my child recognises me anymore. Fuck it, it’s crap. And while I know this time will pass, I’m not sure anyone realises the impact this has on my body, brain and my people. It’s huge. So while I will have this coming weekend off, it’s going to take me months to recover, which I don’t have because well, this is it…

All I really want to do is disappear.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 166 other followers