Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for February, 2014

Thankful Friday

…thankful that it is Friday, thankful that I have survived the week and made it to the weekend. Thankful for my body which works (sort of) and allows me to run and exercise. Thankful for my brain and training which allow me to work and earn an income for my family. Thankful for my family – happy birthday to my Mom for yesterday! Thankful for my friends and the support I have received after my last post. Thankful for my Charlie and my Thandi.

Dangerous places

There are dangerous places lurking in my brain. Places that scare me, that are really starting to rear their heads. The only ways I know how to put them back in place are not working anymore. I am scared.

Mild depression has been one of my constant friends; in fact, I probably cycle through highs and lows, much like most people. Once before I have battled with depression and a bit of an adjustment disorder, I saw a therapist and took some medication (that I can’t say I noticed helping a whole lot), but I emerged and for a good 5/6 years now, I have been ok. Episodes of reactive stress, but ok. The last little while, probably 6 months, I have noticed a deterioration in my symptoms again. And this time all the things that usually help, aren’t. I’m exercising, the endorphins feel like a damp fizz of a failed firework, instead of the explosive pop they usually are. I’m eating well, my IBS has improved 100% almost, I am getting omegas, good vitamins, yet still I am feeling horrible. Every day increasingly is becoming an effort. I spend my day counting down how many patients I see, to what end. Tomorrow I do it all again…

The other thoughts that I am battling to expel from my brain, are those of my inadequacies. I feel inadequate as a caregiver – to my family, my patients, my friends, myself.

And it’s all just beginning to feel like what the hell is the point…

Mountain days

…ah, the weekend was good. The weather was cool in the evenings and pleasant in the day. The company was excellent – Thandi had a blast with her friend Charlotte. There was lots of fairy hunting, playing with fairy bells and looking for toadstools. We enjoyed getting to know new friends better, sharing fabulous meals and good wine. It has rained well, so the waterfalls are fuller than I have ever seen them – so pretty and beautiful! Trees were dripping with fruit, cheeky monkeys played above us in the trees. And I ran and relaxed. It was really good.

062 39 Steps Waterfall

079The fairies were here!

075 The babbling brook

068Love my curly wurly girl!

051 Gorgeous mountains

045 Perfection in a smile

034My gorgeous girl, playing her ‘fairy bell’!

029the forest fairies

And it rains!

…and it’s cooler, thank heavens! After 2 weeks of ridiculous heat and humidity – how we functioned and slept, I’m not sure, it has now cooled down. The rain began yesterday afternoon and hasn’t really stopped. What a pleasure! It’s also means we are going to have a lovely cool weekend in the mountains. I am looking forward to that!

In other news, my body continues to flummox me and my doctor. Day 1 arrived a week early this month, and my scan does not correlate with this event, so we are stumped. I’ve had to do blood tests to try to figure it all out. All this confusion in the body is, as they say is the best of British reality TV, ‘doing my ‘ed in’. I, obviously, still believe in miracles and wonder, and honestly believe that it is possible for me to become pregnant again; but (and it’s a big but) I’m beginning to wonder if the cost – emotional and physical – is now getting to high. I have been a very good patient over the last 4 years, but I am really battling now. I really am tired of this feeling of dread and stress that I am forced to live with – dread because of what complications will I go through this month, stress because I am battling to plan anything – weekends away, runs, family time – and I am a control freak, I need to be in control. I’m also really tired of trying to justify why I want another child. I just do. Normally fertile people never have to justify these things, why should I? And I know, believe me, quite how blessed I am to have Thandipants in my world. She rocks!

Ai, another whiny whingey post, sorry, I am so damn frustrated…

No news

..is good news, I guess? Things really are just ticking along at the moment. Work is busy, have a function on tonight, and we’re off to the mountains this weekend. I’m still running, I’m still eating LCHF. I’m still tired with the rollercoaster of emotion still riding in my soul. So no news…

Only Tuesday

…is it really only Tuesday? The days are so hot and so busy at the moment, I just keep dreaming of time off. Oh well.

So this morning Thandi asks me why I have some freckles on my legs and arms, so I told her that was because I was old – I thought explaining sun exposure would be tricky to a toddler, so she retorts, “You’re not old Mom, you’re just bigger.” What a delightful start to my morning.

That was until I stepped on the scale. Wow, I am really struggling at the moment with the whole diet and weight loss thing. You know, I am being pretty damn good on my LCHF diet, with occasional exceptions, like a Saturday night dinner, like 1 glass of wine a week… and some days there is good progress, other days none at all, and then like this morning, an inexplicable (in my mind) rise of almost a kilogram. And before you tell me it’s hormones or water or whatever, I don’t want to accept those kind of reasons anymore. I am working hard, I am exercising well, I generally eat between 1000-1200 calories a day, I should be seeing more downward movements. And no, the centimetres aren’t really budging either… Crikey, its a rough game this.

Weekend fun!

…and what fun it was! Thanks to my friends who came along, ate my food, and I think enjoyed it all! Formal pictures will follow, but here is a taster! 20140217-081441.jpg 20140217-075611.jpg 20140217-075554.jpg 20140217-075624.jpg 20140217-075537.jpg

A Mad hatter’s Tea Party was my theme! And the menu was tea inspired – from a champagne tea cocktail to a Chinese tea egg, a rooibos chicken salad, tea smoked trout, a jasmine tea pannacotta and chai tea truffles, we had a feast! I will give more details and some recipe ideas when I get the formal pictures.