Charlie's Bird
living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.Archive for July, 2010
Friday’s joys
…can quickly become sadness. I’m having a rough one, the last 2 days I’ve really tried to be upbeat and chipper, but actually, my heart is broken, and sore. Every pregnant girl I see makes me feel sadder, and I hustle them in and out so quickly, trying to protect myself, that I probably leave them slightly bewildered, where did their patient and indulgent doctor go to? Trying to balance my needs and my patients’ is getting harder and harder. I have a massage booked for this afternoon, and it looks like I’m going to have to cancel it, because I was pressured into inducing someone, and she’s going really slowly. (as a rule I don’t do inductions on fridays for this very reason, if they go slowly, and I’m not on call, I end up working into my free time, and we all know how little of that I have!)
Last night Charlie and I had dinner at my parents’ place, Mom roasted a magnificent chicken, with all the veggie trimmings, and she made fab bread and butter pud, one of my favorites. It was really lovely spending some time with them, having a glass of wine, and eating some supper, just like I remember it. I can see the failed IVF has hurt them too, and I wish I could protect them, but they are such a support to me, I couldn’t keep a secret if I tried.
Oy, trying to be a good doctor, daughter, wife, friend is hard, and I get the feeling I’m being pretty crappy at everything at the moment.
Busy-ness
So its been raining, Yay!!! In my drought ravaged province that is such a good thing, you could almost hear the plants sighing in relief this morning as the welcome cool rain splashed over their leaves. The earth is thirsty, and needs a good long drink.
So its only just gone 10h00, and I’ve had a busy morning, I started at the ENT this morning, and Dr Nose says I’m doing all the right things, he’s fiddled around with some other meds, and hopefully I’ll be right as rain by the time IVF.2 comes around. Then it was off to the local state hospital this morning to do my monthly session there. I run a screen and treat clinic for abnormal PAP smears, and the staff are qite excited about what I do, so the patients are all lined up, waiting for me when I get there. I was able to get through 9 patients this morning, and am now back at my rooms, waiting for my first patients to arrive. Then it’ll be off to theatre for the afternoon, with 4 cases booked. After that I need to go and see a referal in one of the other local hospitals and then my mom is cooking dinner for Charlie and I, double yay!! At least at the end of the day I won’t need to worry about feeding my hungry husband and hungry me! Hope I find the energy for this day!
And I guess being this busy isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it keeps me vagely distracted from our fertility woes, the problem being the nature of my work never lets me forget.
What a wednesday!
Wowee! We’re busy! Theatre, operating, replacing car windscreen (and that’s been a disaster!), delivery, fully overbooked rooms, and I’m running an hour late – argh!!!!
It’s 15h30 and I still have 9 patients to see, I’m going ever so slightly mad! I’ll post later, with a decent update!
Day 2.2
…and we’re not off, and that’s okay. The short version is that despite my scan showing sufficient follicles to start stim’s, I am still not over my cold, and am on antibiotics to clear it up, in light of this, we are going to do the long protocol, which means an injection on day 18, and then higher dose stims from day 2 next cycle. I am vaguely relieved, I don’t want anything to sabotage this attempt, so I’d rather be better before we start again. So I’m off to the ENT later this week to assess the adenoids (which despite being removed, grew again – damn!)
So the good news for my loyal blog readers is that we will interupt this broadcast, and you’ll get to hear news other than my ovaries’, regular infertility programming will resume on 12 August.
Day 1.2
So here we go again, scan tomorrow, and then we’ll know if this is happening.
The weekend was nice, I’ve been talking so much about fertility stuff, I haven’t told you much about what else we have been up to. On friday night, we had a fabulous dinner with friends, I felt a bit reluctant to go, but it was probably just what we needed, after a few chores, and wishing a special couple Happy 55th wedding anniversary, Charlie and I climbed into a hot bath, soaked up some essentail oils and had a long chat, cried a bit and relaxed, after a very stressful couple of days. Then it was ‘make pretty time’ and off we headed to J&M’s, and we were surrounded by love and care, it was lovely, and I was so glad we were there, instead of wallowing in our sadness. We ate a scrumptious meal – legendary prawn curry to start, chocolate chilli fillet in the middle and apple pie to end, with some rather delicious red wine. And we laughed, a lot.
Saturday, we went shopping, and spent ridiculous amounts of money (I’d had a very successfl meeting with my accontant this week) and after a qick lunch with our neighbours, we napped, for the night we partied! We popped in at a friend’s parents, who had decided to throw a party, and after another delicious meal, nattered away, talking nonsense and quaffing more delicious wine.
Sunday was a quiet day, I hadn’t slept very well on saturday evening, so after an early start to church and a quick breakfast, it was onto the couch for a bit of shut eye for me – very indulgent…the rest of the day passed by with some scrapbooking, some gardening and some interwebbing, and then after another aromatherapy bath, and a good night’s rest was in order.
And now its monday, day 1.2, and the rat race is back on!
The aftermath
…and we’re doing ok. I’m still very sad, and prone to tears every now and again, but I’ve picked myself up, and I’m trying to dust myself off…
Charlie and I have certainly learnt a lot from this cycle, for sure I will never work on test day again, that was the most cruel thing I have ever had to do, and we’ll try to take a bit more time off during the cycle. But we also learnt that we can make embryos, and that is a huge step in the right direction. The whole physical experience was bearable, the emotional side torturous, but we know we can do this, and do it again we will. The timing of our next cycle depends on what my day 2 scan shows, and if I have enough immature follicles on my ovaries to allow stimulation, if not, we’ll have to wait until september. So for now, we wait, for day 1 to begin.
I’m still incredibly sad that Dory and Nemo didn’t stick around, we would have looked after them so, so well, and that sadness will take a long time to go away…
Day 26
… and childless we remain. No double pink lines for me, no βHCG in my blood.
Thank you for all the love and support from everyone. We are naturally disappointed, and will regroup over the weekend. We hope to try another cycle straight away, but therere a few factors to be addressed first.
Day 25
Fuck me, this is torture. I can’t think about anything else, can’t focus on much else, and am too scared to even talk about it.
Day 24
…and can friday just arrive already!!!! I’m feeling super impatient today, I neeeeeeeeeeeeed to know I am not wasting my time! And despite patience not being my strong suite, I’m not going to sneak a peak, a negative test now, even though I know it’d be too early to even be positive will devastate me, and I’m tettering at the edge of the abyss at the moment anyway, so, no MJ, no sneaking yet. The generalised anxiety is also making sleep a difficult thing, and I’m managing less and less, which is not conducive to my mental health either. I’m also (believe it or not) dying to get a bit of exercise, which I’m not allowed at the moment, and let’s not even talk about the MIA (missing in action) shag; I miss my Charlie boy! All things that help with the mental strain of my general life that are now verbotten, oh, and chocolate too, I’ve gone off sugar and sweet things in an effort to totally normalise my blood sugars, so not even a choccie to help ease the strain! If I am, it’ll all be worth it, if not, then that’s the mindf**k.
Day 23
…and I am still feeling rather bleak, thanks for all the love yesterday, it’s greatly appreciated.
Last night and today the fear of what is coming has hit, I’m not sure if I am more terrified by the thought that it might work, or that it might not. And I guess it’s the feeling I’ve had whenever a major life change is about to occur. You see, while a negative result would be terribly disappointing, it’s what I know, not being pregnant. It doesn’t challenge me any further, it’ll mean another IVF, and I’ve now conquered that; but a positive result, that another whole new kettle of fish. Another whole new field of challenges that I don’t know if I’ll cope with; well, I know I will, because that’s what we do, but its the unknown to me, and I am always scared by the unknown. It’s the same brain shift I had to go through when I met Charlie, I’d been Birdie, the single, for so long; I had to bid those shores of singledom (very comfortable shores, I might add) farewell and sail to my next destination, and boy, oh boy, was that trip worth it or what! I got hitched to the greatest man (I couldn’t have imagined him any better)and now I only look back at those shores occasionally; with no regret, only with a sense of achievement and pride, that I successfully navigated to my next island; and now as I stand on the shore preparing for my next leg in this journey called life, I can’t help being filled with trepidation, worried about those storms brewing on the horizon.
Physically, it’s still sore, and that just fills me with more dread; today, it’s definitely more of a period feeling than yesterday. 3 more sleeps, and I don’t know how to get through them, I feel like I can’t carry on, if there’s nothing there, I don’t have any energy (emotional or physical) to expend here.
Charlie's Bird 