Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for infertility

Lunchtime, Friday

…and I haven’t had a chance to even blog yet! Argh!

It’s been a crazy week, that left me with an enormous headache last night, and sore shoulders from the tension today. There’s some difficult stuff going down, I will tell you all about it next week, but there is some big stuff going down with regards our deli. I hate having to rely on other people to uphold their ends of deals! And that is all I will say on the matter currently.

In other news, a dear friend today is going through another negative IVF process… My heart is breaking for her. I remember those days with horror. For those who have not been through it, I can tell you that it is one of the cruelest forms of torture I can imagine. Yes, it comes with hope, but when hopes are not realised, the heartbreak is almost audible. It’s agony. So today, spare a thought for my Russian spy and her shipping magnate, as they charter these stormy seas…

The weekend looms – an on call one. And a long training run one… hope my legs hold! Enjoy your weekends dear readers!

My HT Ode

… 2 weeks ago I was confirmed to be menopausal, so 9 days ago I slapped on a hormone patch and waited. the first night I saw no real difference, the second was a little better, and by the third night I was so much better and happier! My night sweats are almost completely resolved (except when I drink a bit too much wine) and I can sleep again! If you have never had a night sweat or a hot flush you will never understand what I am talking about, but oh my word, I had no idea how awful it could be until it happened to me! I also had no idea how bad it really was, and how poor my sleep really was until I got the magic muti and am now feeling so much more normal! I’m also feeling a bit happier and a bit more energetic (not that you could tell from the lack of running) at last! Given all the hype and all the drama about hormone therapy and the ‘risks’, I can tell you, I’ll take them, the improvement in my life quality is indescribably good!

highs and

…lows. The theme of my weekend.

  1. Confirmation that you are now menopausal (fuck you hormones!) and require HT, while still getting a regular cycle. (thank you bastard universe for that treasure)
  2. Coming in as the second lady home in a trail run on Friday night (must have been a slow run!) IMG_1421
  3. Having a migraine of note on Sunday, which had me throwing up, while trying to get my daughter dressed, which meant I couldn’t take part in my scheduled trail run, damnit!
  4. Getting a great tutorial on making and the eating käsespätzle with our friends. Yum!IMG_1457
  5. Spending a glorious hour on the beach, with Thandi, while Ntombi tried to make an escape for it! Cheeky girl! IMG_1440
  6. A run in my new running shoes, which were delivered the day after I ordered them, well done Sportsman’s Warehouse!
  7. A birthday Party with our cousins for Thandi IMG_1430 (Jake and the Neverland pirate party, T was Izzy!)
  8. A trip to the local festival this weekend, despite some atrocious windy weather.IMG_1463

melancholy

…such a descriptive word. Such is my mood…

A lot is happening that’s making me feel this way – a dear friend has just experienced a failed IVF; Thandi was almost in tears yesterday wanting to understand why she can’t have a sister and needing to know why her mommy’s tummy is broken; it was Fathers’ Day which automatically induces guilt in me and seeing my parents now aging quickly is agonizing; I’ve been on call and been very busy at difficult times.

I know the feeling will pass, or morph into something else, but yesterday and today I am overwhelmed with it. My heart feels heavy, my brain feels misty and gloomy. It’s an exhausting and exhausted place…

Revisiting old feelings

…so last year when we decided to put a hold on trying for a second babe and focus on the running, the plan always was to review where we found ourselves after the marathon.

And I’m here now, and I’m not quite sure where I stand. Realistically I know it’s over, but the heart doesn’t always listen to logic…

Watching Thandi on holiday, so desperate for the French kids to notice her and play with her. Seeing her follow other children around in Disneyland, copying them, hoping they would just interact, my heart crumbled a little more. Do I owe her one more shot? Can I do it? Do I have it in me? I think I know the answer…

The longing will never go away, I suspect.

A recipe and a birthday

Ok, so in keeping with my 2015 resolve, here is my first new recipe of the year, for a papaya, mozzarella and mint salad.

081

  • 1 small papaya, peeled and sliced into thinnish slices
  • 1 ball of buffalo mozzarella (or closest facsimile thereof)
  • handful of basil leaves
  • 4 radishes, thinly sliced
  • 1 granadilla
  • 3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil (in salads, I find using the best quality extra virgin makes a difference)
  • 3 teaspoons Dijon mustard
  • 1 tablespoon chopped mint

Slice the papaya into thinnish slices, not so thin that they break up, tear the mozzarella up and scatter over the papaya, garnish with the ripped basil leaves. I probably used about a tablespoon of them. I could not find any radishes yesterday, so I used instead spring onions, thinly sliced, which seemed to work as well! Drizzle the granadilla pulp over the salad. Then make your dressing by mixing the vinegar, oil, mustard and mint together. Pour that over the salad and voila!

It made a delicious tasty and refreshing summer salad. I served it to friends who are quite expert in salads, and they loved it! For ease of making it scores 5 points!

Then today I celebrate 2 birthdays – today is TAFKAD’s birthday, she is having a significant birthday – the one where you turn 30 with 10 years experience! I am hoping she has a marvellous and day and am really bleak that I don’t get to celebrate with her! Oh well, we will always have Paris! And in other news, my friend, Charne who lost her precious baby Ethan in September, has been selected by a birthmom and will be blessed with the birth of a son today! What an auspicious day, what a year!

So tired

I am so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of feeling like something is missing, tired of this brokenness in me…

I miss the second child I will never have, and I am overwhelming sad for Thandi. She of course doesn’t know what she is missing. I don’t really know what she is missing, my brothers were at boarding school when I was born, and were out the house growing up, being soldiers and students when I was starting out at school, but I know she is missing something good. Knowing how much joy Thandi has given me, how she has filled my heart to overflowing, I am so sad I don’t get more of that. I’m still fairly pissed off with the cards life has dealt me. I mean, an OBGYN with infertility – come on! Most days I am able to make my peace. Today I am just too tired.

I don’t think it will ever go away entirely, the longing, but I can come to terms with the fact that I gave motherhood a hell of a shot. I did more than many woman can or would do. I am, as always, very aware of how blessed I am to have my Thandigirl (before anyone accuses me of not counting my blessings). I just wish I could shake that tired old sad feeling deep within…