Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Archive for November, 2014

So tired

I am so tired. Tired of being sad, tired of feeling like something is missing, tired of this brokenness in me…

I miss the second child I will never have, and I am overwhelming sad for Thandi. She of course doesn’t know what she is missing. I don’t really know what she is missing, my brothers were at boarding school when I was born, and were out the house growing up, being soldiers and students when I was starting out at school, but I know she is missing something good. Knowing how much joy Thandi has given me, how she has filled my heart to overflowing, I am so sad I don’t get more of that. I’m still fairly pissed off with the cards life has dealt me. I mean, an OBGYN with infertility – come on! Most days I am able to make my peace. Today I am just too tired.

I don’t think it will ever go away entirely, the longing, but I can come to terms with the fact that I gave motherhood a hell of a shot. I did more than many woman can or would do. I am, as always, very aware of how blessed I am to have my Thandigirl (before anyone accuses me of not counting my blessings). I just wish I could shake that tired old sad feeling deep within…

Cough, cough

…splutter, cough. My baby girl is still sick! Day 6 of really high temperatures and being miserable. And mommy is starting to tear her hair out! I actually took her to the paediatrician this morning, because I really was starting to feel like a neglectful mom, pouring more and more panado and ponstan down her throat, having finished the antibiotic, with seemingly no effect. He had a look around, checked her ears and all those good things, and after agreeing with me, that there is not much that he can find, did a nasopharyngeal swab and sent us on our way with a script for another antibiotic! Oh boy! Please let this end!

Sick baby girl

…ah, man, my heart is breaking for my babes! She really isn’t well, and I can see she is feeling totally miserable. Poor baby! After 4 days of the antibiotic, she at least isn’t complaining about her sore ear, but her temperature is still really high and she is still hacking away, and just isn’t herself. I keep thinking that she will settle down, but nope, every morning she wakes up, on fire again! 39°C again this morning. So it is now 4 days of high fevers. And my throat is also still a bit scratchy… And Charlie’s….

Checking in

…after a day or 2 off the radar. My nurse/receptionist needed some time off to travel to a cycling meet, so I got 2 days out of the office. Bliss! I ran, I had permanent make up redone and hairdo. I also had a sick Thandipants, who is still not better, and we went to a wedding/vow renewal! It’s been a busy couple of days.

Thandipants has been a bit off for a while now, coughing and spluttering, and on Friday was really really unhappy. Temperature spiked, she was complaining that she didn’t feel well and that her ear was sore. So doctor mom decided she wasn’t taking any chances, I stopped off at the pharmacy and got her an antibiotic (only the second in her life!) which, if I am honest doesn’t really seem to be making a difference. Oh boy! We have kept her home from school today, she is still not herself and is coughing up lots of gunk. Poor kid. And I really hate seeing her so miserable.

So on Saturday, we headed off to this wedding/vow renewal. JN is a school mom, whose little girl, Gemma is delightful! JN has face some pretty harrowing stuff in the 5 years of her marriage, infertility and a cancer diagnosis. She has been in remission for only 6 months, and they have recently discovered another breast lump, so she faces surgery again… I didn’t initially really get the vow renewal, until I thought a bit more about her situation, and then it became clear. She may never get to share her daughter’s moments, so she is making those moments now. We went with Thandi’s school teacher, old friends of mine, and I started to see a little romance blooming between her eldest son and my princess. After the kids had been playing for a while, Thandi came and whispered in my ear that she thinks she likes Jack, and that Callam (her now ex) could marry Gemma instead (there has been some fighting over who would marry Callam at school!)

035 Mikey, Jack, Gemma in her pretty flowergirl dress and Thandi!

039 Table décor

047 058My beauty!

Bearing down

…under the strain and stress… My dad is now home, and so is my mom, so let’s hope his recovery is now smooth.

Anyway, without further ado, some memories from Thandi’s concert. It was ever so sweet. Thandi was a mouse, the cutest mouse ever! And they put on a cute, chaotic and creative little concert! (notice all that alliteration;-)) The concert consisted of a number of songs, with actions that the kids sang and danced through. Thandi had her moment of glory during ‘Shoo fly!’. And now for a piccie (or 2)

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And then the highlight of my day yesterday, my chocolaticas arrived! Yay! Check out how cool they are!

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Of families and relationships

It has been a long and heavy week and weekend for me. I am tired, frustrated and feel almost physically assaulted by the week I have had. Hospital visiting hours mean that you never really get anything done. Just as you settle down to a task, you have to head off to the hospital again. And I really am sympathetic to the person lying in hospital, but by the third visit of the day there is no more news to tell, nothing more to say. And you sit in silence, reading news headlines off news24 occasionally. Reciting cricket and rugby scores…

The dynamic of my mother staying with us has been challenging. She is so desperate to ‘not be a burden’, that she makes things even more difficult. She then chirped up with the ridiculous comment of how she hoped my father would see that she needed a car now! This is the lady with bilateral hip replacements, who is deaf, has cataracts and cannot walk without a cane, and has not driven in over 3 years. I really did loose my temper at that point. I also lost my temper when she said she didn’t need any groceries – after a week of not being in her home or having any shopping done. She told me the milk was not sour, the bread was not stale and the fruit and veg were fresh. Hmmm… The real problem is when I talk firmly to her, she then shouts at me, reminding me that she is my mother and I must show her respect! It gets very exhausting to try to deal with it all. I ended up leaving her having a sob in her room, while I did an online order for them (in anticipation of my father’s discharge today), and when she came out and we were able to talk calmly, I made peace and told her I had now ordered the damn groceries and that if there was stuff she didn’t want, she would just have to throw it away. I don’t know if she really realises how busy my work schedule is, and that I will not have time to drop everything to get them bread and milk when they realise they have run out. Or washing powder. Or toilet paper… For at least a month my father will not be able to drive. I am already seriously frustrated.

The rest of the weekend was busy, busy, busy. I’ll share some highlights of Thandi’s concert tomorrow, it was very very cute, but I know realise my daughter is not cut out for a career on the stage. The staff party was good fun, the girls all put a lot of effort into their outfits and hats, the meal was excellent, and the wine flowed freely.

Day 2

Ok, so the old man is doing well. He was moved to the ward yesterday and the physio has gotten him moving. He even walked down the passage with a walker yesterday. He was a little disorientated, and they ‘specialed’ him last night – which means he had a dedicated nurse to take care of him, in his room, at all times, which was great.

I am exhausted. Between trying to maintain my sanity, look after my mom, run a busy practice, feed the family and get ready for a very hectic Saturday, I am shattered! Tomorrow Thandi has her school concert (need to do a plate of snacks for that), a birthday party (outfit and gift sorted) and I have my staff Christmas party (outfit organised, gifts almost done!). Crikey! Roll on Sunday is all I am saying! Hopefully I get a nice head clearing long run in on Sunday, for both my fitness and my mental health.