Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Journey’s end

…yesterday marked the end of my journey to baby number 2. I am strangely devastated. For a long time I have really struggled with my menstrual cycle, and yesterday, after too many days of pain, too many interrupted night’s sleep, I have had a mir*ena fitted, in the hopes that it slows down the progression of the endometriosis and adenomyosis. But what it also means is that any further attempts at a pregnancy are over.

I thought I would ok, I know the fabulous Dr DB had said come for one more IVF that I was very reluctant to undertake, but the door was still open. I knew I couldn’t go through that door at the moment – the September run in Cape Town, our holiday at Umngazi, my dad’s scheduled hip replacement (next week) and the clinic’s Christmas break had all meant that this year was probably a non starter. And then there was Paris to consider… So I have to say, honestly my head knew I probably wasn’t going to get to that last IVF. But my heart could still dream a little dream. But that’s over now; with a swoop of a speculum and a pinch of a tenaculum, the dream bubble has popped…

I vacillate between absolutely fine about my 1 child family, to a tearing desperation that threatens to rip my heart wide open. And I am so very afraid of decisions that I may regret. I have never felt more isolated by this decision.

I understand given time I will be just fine, but right now it hurts unspeakably.


  JBT wrote @

Ah my friend…my heart aches for you! This was not your choice and that is what makes it so hard! Many couples choose a one child family but you have been robbed of that choice and you are being forced to change your dream! Not easy at all and it seems so unfair…My words are not being helpful I know but I needed you to know that you are fully entitled to grieve the loss of your dream… It is a loss and right now, you need to allow yourself to feel sad. Why this
??? Well, that is the question… one that is almost impossible to answer? I am not going to say anything clichéd today simply because you already know every blessing in your life…it is not about what you have but what you had hoped for and today you are just allowed to feel sad! My heart is with you my friend and tomorrow will be a new day! Love you lots!!! xxx

  charliesbird wrote @

Thank JBT. You know exactly how I feel today too…

  MamaCat wrote @

Every single time I think about a second child I think about you.
My heart is with you and know that you have the strength to get through this.

  charliesbird wrote @

Thanks MC, that someone I only know in the computer thinks of me, is quite mind blowing.

  waitingbetweenthelines wrote @

I don’t think it’s at all strange that you’re devastated! It’s the end of a dream and therefore grieving is ok.

  charliesbird wrote @

Thank you…

  runnermum wrote @

Hugs Charliebird. It can’t be easy!

  Alexandra wrote @

Lots of hugs.

No matter how much your head might have known, your heart still has to come to terms with it. Give yourself time.

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