Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Tick tock

…as the clock runs out on this deadline we set for a pregnancy, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about it all lately. I guess the overriding emotion I have is gratitude. Gratitude for the thing of perfection that climbs onto my lap after a long day, and tells me she loves me, that I mustn’t be sad, that I’m her best mommy. But there is a little part of me that is so damn tired of trying to justify why I want another.

Yesterday I was in the difficult position of having to deliver an unwanted child. Initially the mom-to-be considered a termination of pregnancy, but the idea didn’t sit comfortably with her. Then she considered adoption, but that flew in the face of her partner’s beliefs. So now, this little baby has been born into an uncertain situation, with no one really wanting him, but no one brave enough to make a decision. At the same time, I have a patient going through a terrible pregnancy loss at the age of 40 with probably not enough time to consider another. Fucking hell, it’s all a little unfair.

How damaged we are at the end of these journeys we are on… each of them is unique, but we emerge battle scarred and bruised. I’m almost ready to retire injured, my heart is sore today.

2 Comments»

  MamaCat wrote @

Have never been there completely I can only imagine the pain you have been through. Someone commented on a blog I wrote that it all depends on the type of person you turn into…for me it was profound.

  runnermum wrote @

Life is unfair sometimes. I have only one child and I’m turning 40 this year. So somebody asked me today what I’ll do if I fall pregnant now – well that is a no brainer – have the baby off course – a miracle like that is not something you just give up.


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