Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Catching myself

…before I fall.

On Friday I found myself standing on the edge of a precipice…staring into a bleak dark abyss. I knew with absolute terror in my heart, how close to break point I was. I was teetering. And it was scary… The last few months I am finding that I am tiptoeing ever closer to that edge and it feels like at any moment the sand may crumble beneath me, and I am scared I may not catch myself in time. You know, like when you’re a kid at the beach, walking along a river bank after a high tide, and you stand on that crisp edge of sand bank, which melts away, as you fall laughing into the splishy splashy water’s edge? Except when I fall this time it may be a scream and a hopeless splat. I haven’t felt this dark for a very long time.

There are only a few variables. Work, a persistent niggling injury, my absolute disappointment in myself after my failure to qualify for the big ones this year and my menopausal hormones. I know I have super high, possibly even unattainable standards for myself, I know I am sometimes unrealistic, I know; but I was sold Superwoman, I embraced Wonderwife, I grabbed at Mightymom; and how do I now change those dreams and expectations? Because to do any less feels like I am settling, feels like I am failing. Which is just disappointing.

 

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6 Comments»

  runnermum wrote @

Ohhh goodness – are you sure you don’t have a physic link to my brain? This could’ve been me writing this…

  runnermum wrote @

PS – not even trying to catch myself…

  halberts2014 wrote @

Oh, we do put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect EVERYTHING.

  MamaCat wrote @

Perfection is something we have to learn to define in different terms as we go along.

  waitingbetweenthelines wrote @

You seem to be acknowledging that you are falling but not that you need to be caught. I hope you find a safety net somewhere, Somehow. You seem to have a well loved and supported life… Use it… Don’t wait until you fall. Loves.

  the aunty formerly known as donzil wrote @

Haven’t read blog in a while and only saw this now. Sorry you’ve been having a such a rough time babe, lots of love.


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