Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

reflection

…quiet reflection on a sunday morning…

I was busy composing this blog post yesterday morning, lying in bed, Charlie had gone to transport a sailor (it’s what he does, as a chandler) and I was in bed, rain was bucketing down, the foghorn was mourning bemoaning the mist, the house was otherwise quiet, and I was dwelling on what had happened on Saturday. Until my phone rang loudly and rudely on this contemplative sunday, the hospital required my attention…

So, my rambling mulling overs never got posted yesterday. I have had much opportunity to think about the events of Saturday this weekend, let me get it out the way, and tell you that I never finished, I did not qualify for Two Oceans, my dream is deferred.

It was a tough weekend. I had a couple of calls through friday night, the last one being at 03h45 on Saturday morning, and I, at that point, had to go in and assess a patient. I did my ward round and was back home by about 04h30, in time to prepare for my marathon. At 03h45, gentle rain had been falling, and I was quietly happy, by 04h30, a gale force wind had arrived, and it was foul. I trusted it was a momentary squall, alas, it wasn’t. I set off for the start, my heart was in my throat, and I was trying hard to slow my heart beat down, and calm my nerves. We started, and things were going ok. The first 10km went according to plan, and then slowly, gently up a long uphill, into the teeth of the wind, my game plan blew away… As I walked and ran up these long stretches, battling the gusts of wind, I started doing my sums, at 14 km (1/3 of the way in), I realised I had a 4 minute cushion. Conditions were worsening, I was having to hold my hat and my sunglasses on my face, I was moving slower and slower, as I was tiring running into that wind. And at 18 km I made the call that I really didn’t want to make. Through streaming tears I asked Charlie to come and fetch me. I decided it wasn’t worth risking an injury and finishing if I was not going to make the qualifying time. And I was so tired of being buffeted by that wind.

I have spent the rest of the weekend feeling bitterly disappointed and shedding many a tear, and not really trusting my body anymore. I do still have a chance to qualify for Comrades, but right now I’m not convinced I have the ability to do it anymore…

Maybe everybody else is right, I can’t do everything, I need to change my expectations of myself. I just don’t know if I can accept that.

5 Comments»

  runnermum wrote @

Don’t beat yourself up – a lot of stories on social media show that the conditions were exceptionally bad on Saturday.

And you can still qualify for Comrades IF you want to.

Always, always be kind to yourself and that means that you have to stop beating yourself up.

I know you are feeling absolutely terrible but there is always next year.

  nyamazela wrote @

Birdie, I for one am so proud of you and I’m sure Charlie will agree. You’ve conquered many marathons already: the fertility marathon, the being in an understaffed practice marathon, the retail marathon, the ‘being a doctor’ marathon, the ‘wife and mother’ marathon and of course the Paris marathon. You rock, my friendly spy!!!

  roadshedding wrote @

I was also desperate to run comrades this year and gave myself such bad ITB during training, very disappointed but will live to fight another year. Atleast we are still running.

  MamaCat wrote @

Sorry about this. Give yourself time to cry about it and accept it is a huge disappointment and you are allowed to feel sad. Then it is time to relook at it all with fresh eyes and see what it is you want. What doe it really mean to you.

  catjuggles wrote @

So sorry about this. I am not a runner at all and I stand amazed at you all every day


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