Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Dear Diary

… you know, for a while now I have been writing fairly light heartedly. It feels like my commitment to blogging has been somewhat half hearted. I haven’t tackled a meatier subject in a while.

I read a post the other day, written by a woman in a similar boat to me. She is also a professional woman, not thrilled with where she finds herself working, and struggling with the idea of only one child. It got me thinking…

In my dreams, I always imagined 2, maybe 3 children, filling my home with noise, bubbles and laughter; the occasional wail too, but lots of love. It’s been an adjustment to turn off that dream, one I probably haven’t finished making. ( I reckon I am 95% there) Make no mistake, (and this is where lots of people do make a mistake) I am intensely grateful for my awesome Thandipants, I am under no illusion as to what a miracle she is, the child that science said shouldn’t have been, and every day I celebrate the miracle that she is, but knowing that I will raise her without a sibling is hard. Now bear in mind my brothers are a lot older than me, and were at boarding school when I was born, so I suppose I was also raised as virtual only child, but I still have my brothers who I can call on when I need them. They may live far away from me and we may not be close, but there is a commitment to family, that I know will rise above all those sorts of challenges, should the need arise. Thandi will never know that… When the chips are down, and we are old, she will be on her own, making decisions about us and our care (hopefully she’ll have a husband, and maybe those twins she keeps talking about), but essentially she will be our daughter alone, making those tough calls. Last night I heard that my very healthy dad needs a hip replacement. He will be 2 weeks post op when I am running in Cape Town, when he won’t be able to drive and neither can my mom! What a relief it was to get on the phone to my brothers and just talk through it all with them, so they know, they can come and lend a hand if they want to, but I have shared that burden of care.

Agh, life throws us curve balls, and things don’t always work out how we imagine them, and I guess that’s the challenge, how we rise up to them, and cope with altered and adjusted dreams. She will never know different, and neither will I. It just hurts too much to dwell on the ‘might have beens’ and ‘if only’s’. It is what it is, I am blessed, but that doesn’t stop the heartsore.

4 Comments»

  MamaCat wrote @

I must be honest, every time I let the thoughts about a second child come to mind, I think of you…and a big part of me wonders what it is I might be throwing away when I feel one child is enough for me. I have never been in your shoes, only mine, and I know exactly how many years we planned our one child and how much I wanted and needed him and the joy that we were given this child of ours without hiccups or any unhappiness. I know I cannot love him any less, should we ever have that second child.
However, as a control freak planner type…I only planned one child and as broody as I feel, and coming from a close knit group of four girls, I know what he will miss. I know what he will not have by not having any brothers or sisters. Last night I called my Mom to talk to her about the doubts I am feeling about my little loner…because I know my decision for one is purely selfish and takes only me into account.
I think you always feel that heart-soreness for the other children that may never be. I do not think it will ever go away and you will always hope, even when it seems impossible.
I wish I could give to you the child I do not want. I know I cannot.

  runnermum wrote @

I absolutely love your last sentence – what a way with words.

  runnermum wrote @

Ohhh Charlie – I just don’t know what to say to you. I think as mums of only children we’ll always beat ourselves up, you especially because for you it’s not a choice.

Hugs Sweetheart and this is the place for you to let go of all your heartache.

  charliesbird wrote @

Thanks for all the lovely thoughts. guys…


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