Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Impressions of normal

…as an adult, taking part in the real world, I’ve never really felt that my life was normal. For me, it is the only life I know, but I am under no illusions that this isn’t ‘normal’ by other people’s standards. And it certainly isn’t what I imagined my life would be, even as I signed up to medical school, I never in my wildest imaginations realised that this would be my normal. Phone calls at any hour of the day or night; leaving for work in the dark, coming home in the dark, not able to prioritise my gorgeous family, not able to prioritise my health and my fitness. But it is as ‘normal’ as I can make it.

In the early hours of Monday morning I got called out to see a patient, who was enduring her third miscarriage in 3 years, and each one has been at around 20 weeks, so just on the cusp of viability. It was heart breaking… I got home at 05h00 in the morning, and lay in bed, heart racing, not really able to sleep, mulling over my ‘normal’.

Mulling over my daughter’s impression of her mom. And yes, again, she’ll never know any different, but I hope she knows I wish I could do more with her, I trust she is secure in my love, and I hope she knows that every day when I leave the house, my heart breaks. While I might not be the mom I thought I’d be, I am the best I can be. I trust that she will understand…

 

3 Comments»

  runnermum wrote @

Our children are way more forgiving than we are.

Hugs

  MamaCat wrote @

I do not think you can beat yourself about this. Normal is such a relative concept and we are all so adaptable to situations.
Your daughter will grow up knowing that her Mom was a woman who could commit and stick with it.

  Alexandra wrote @

I totally agree with MamaCat


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