Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Heart longings

Last night I went to bed with a catch in my throat, and a sore heart. I never intended for Thandi to be an only child. I’m so sad that my body has failed her and Charlie. They deserve so much more. And it boils down to me just wanting another… Sad, frustrated and grieving… But very aware of quite how blessed I am to have Thandi, make no mistake, I count that blessing every day. But somehow it doesn’t diminish what my heart longs for; what I dreamed of for my little family.

A patient yesterday told me that she wasn’t sure about having children, because once they arrive, your life is over, isn’t it? And I held back from telling her that she didn’t have the foggiest. That my life, yes, with some restrictions, got richer with Thandi’s arrival. My wealth is in her. I dreamed of a life for Charlie and I – we always said, ‘2 children and we’ll see how we go, maybe a 3rd.’ And that dream was a rich, beautiful tapestry of colour and light and laughter and fun. Hard work, yes, but a dream, nonetheless. And to watch that dream fade is hard.

So, to my 2 loves – I’m sorry this creaky body of mine has failed us. I’m sorry that on that outgoing tide of my hormones, our dream of a future child/sibling has washed out. So far this has been our year of loss – loss of a parent, loss of one dream. But we have each other, and the 3 of us are pretty cool, and we will have some rollicking adventures, of that I’m sure. To infinity and beyond!


  countesskaz wrote @

I hear you about feeling incomplete and failing your two loves. We always wanted 3 kids and we have two.

For a long time I felt incomplete, but it does it get easier to accept. I feel so guilty that I don’t have the mental strength to go through another pregnancy, should we have been blessed with one, but I have to be happy with the two kids I have, and the good husband I have.

No-one can understand everything you’re going through, but I send empathy and strength to get through this vexing time.

  charlie wrote @

to the moon and back again ….

  em’s mommy wrote @

I am sorry I cant have what ur heart is desiring. It sux!

  Leigh wrote @

Well done for trying-you’re awesome!

  the aunty formerly known as donzil wrote @

“pretty cool”???? try freaking awesomely outrageously fantastically flipping legendarily superlatively cool.

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