Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

reconnecting

…testing, testing 1, 2, 3… Anyone still out there?

I am here, still standing. Thank you for the outpouring of support we had. I am still very raw, but time is doing her magic. I’m not sure what our road ahead holds, so I can’t say yet – we will see.

The agony of a cycle like this is indescribable. We never stood a chance. My failing body failed rather spectacularly this time. To explain a little about the cycle and the medication we use. My ovaries get stimulated with certain meds, while this is going on other drugs are given to prevent you from ovulating. Yes, I was on those drugs. Sadly there is a 1-2% chance of failure of these drugs. We fell on the wrong side of those stats… There was little to warn us of this, aside from an increase in my abdominal discomfort on Thursday evening last week, which required a bean bag and paracetamol, which is a lot for me. I assumed it was because of my well performing ovaries having more follicles than before. Blood tests done on Thursday morning gave no inkling of the drama unfolding in my pelvis.

To say that I was devastated wold be undercalling it – the tears flowed, the great fear was realised – we were done with this cycle. My heart and brain just screamed no, over and over again… It hurt beyond description. And maybe its a funny thing to call that one of my worst hurts, it was up there with when we thought we were losing Tenacious, but to have believed, had faith enough to subject oneself to this revolting process again, to take that leap of faith, only to find yourself dashed up against the rocks. All mercy feels abandoned…

It has been very hard coming back to work, I had to tell my colleagues – all those expectant faces – rehashing the news over and over again. Even sitting in my office has been hard this week, somehow I usually cope, but it has been very very hard this week. What I do know is that next week will be ok, and the one after that, and we will survive this. What we do next is anyone’s guess.

2 Comments»

  Chelsea’s Mom wrote @

Thinking of you SO much!

  Renee wrote @

So so sad to hear, only hear these rhings when I see your bolg, and I check every day> keep your chin and I will keep you in my prayers.
LOL


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