Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Surveying the aftermath

Ok, so here we are, a week after the bubble burst.

Emotionally, the only word I can use to describe Charlie and I is shellshocked. I was so very convinced that it was going to work, that when it didn’t I was completely and horribly shocked. I have always believed that I would have 2 children, my Thandi and a mischevious little boy, just like his dad; in fact I didn’t just believe it, I knew it, in my soul, that we would grow our family and be blessed with even more joy. I remember saying to Charlie, shortly before we got married, that there was no doubt, we would have 2 chillens, that was our path, our journey to travel. So remembering when one has such conviction about something, and it doesn’t happen, it is an absolute rug pulling episode, when you land on your head, feel rather sheepish before you burst into tears – indignant and painful tears. And this is where I have found myself, indignant, angry and very sad. My heart aches for an unrealised dream, an outcome that I could do nothing to influence. Do you have any idea how hard that has been for a classic type A personality? All I could do was hope, dream, believe, and in this case that wasn’t enough. Nothing would have been enough…

So what does this mean for us now. Well, we are going to regroup for a bit. Take time to rediscover that which infertility stole from us – our spontaneity, some of our freedom, each other; because one cannot discount quite how much you loose. Being able to plan something more than a month or 2 in advance, drinking that glass of wine at a party with a clear conscience, having spontaneous s*ex… Just being, in the moment, with each other and Thandi.

And then, when the dust has settled, and I can wear mascara again, maybe we’ll dare to dream again, or maybe we’ll discover that all along, we’ve been living that dream…

3 Comments»

  the aunty formerly known as donz wrote @

Have more than one glasses of wine at that party babe. Nice to have C-bird back. xo

  MJ wrote @

Agreed with the Countess.

  countesskaz wrote @

Hi, been meaning to leave a comment on your blog but just been thinking of the right things to say..

Grieve for what has been lost, and then when your’e ready stand up and rejoice at what you have, Thandi-girl.

God’s precious gift for you and yourCharlie. Still so much joy to be had. Thinking of you….


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