…as an adult, taking part in the real world, I’ve never really felt that my life was normal. For me, it is the only life I know, but I am under no illusions that this isn’t ‘normal’ by other people’s standards. And it certainly isn’t what I imagined my life would be, even as I signed up to medical school, I never in my wildest imaginations realised that this would be my normal. Phone calls at any hour of the day or night; leaving for work in the dark, coming home in the dark, not able to prioritise my gorgeous family, not able to prioritise my health and my fitness. But it is as ‘normal’ as I can make it.
In the early hours of Monday morning I got called out to see a patient, who was enduring her third miscarriage in 3 years, and each one has been at around 20 weeks, so just on the cusp of viability. It was heart breaking… I got home at 05h00 in the morning, and lay in bed, heart racing, not really able to sleep, mulling over my ‘normal’.
Mulling over my daughter’s impression of her mom. And yes, again, she’ll never know any different, but I hope she knows I wish I could do more with her, I trust she is secure in my love, and I hope she knows that every day when I leave the house, my heart breaks. While I might not be the mom I thought I’d be, I am the best I can be. I trust that she will understand…
…so on Friday evening, Charlie and I set off to our local farmer’s market, and registered for the first of a series of night trail runs. Yes, even Charlie came along, in his running shoes, ready to tootle along 5km through the farmlands, in the dark. It was a momentous day – Charlie has always said he’d only run if something was chasing him, and on Friday night, there was nothing (except a few other runners) chasing him!
The requirement for the run was a torch or headlamp of sorts, because it really was dark, we hit the trail at 18h15, and the sun had long set. The trail was marked with glow in the dark arrows, and off we went, a string of torch carrying runners trailing through the farmlands. It was quite tough, I have to admit, running in the dark on a route that you don’t know is quite disorientating. I found that I was really dependant on my own headlight and with Charlie ahead of me (he set the pace), his torch light too. There was very little in the way of other lighting, until we made our way back to the market, and being a single track trail, it took a lot of concentration not to break our necks (or even just ankles!) I used lots of stabilizing muscles I didn’t even know I had!
Anyway, it was great fun, I loved every moment of the run, and I loved, loved, loved that my Charlie did it with me! He was a champion, doing far better than I would have with only a month of trotting to my name, I guess the army taught those boys something about endurance! I am so proud of the boy! Ad now, we are already preparing for the next one – park run next weekend, and then I’ll be tackling a 22km trail run on Sunday, and the next night run on 15 August. Have I mentioned I am loving the running at the moment, loving being fit and healthier! Loving life!
…if only I wasn’t on call, then it would be Friday realised! Ok, so that set the scene – it’s an on call weekend, I hope it is going to be bearable. I have a few things planned socially, that I hope I will be able to get to! Tonight I am running a 5km run through the nearby farmlands – a quite dynamic duo have set up a series of 3 runs over the course of the next month, and I have entered them all. It’ll be quite a thing running a trail after sunset, but, I will just go slowly and carefully, with my headlamp. I even convinced Charlie to enter too, so it’s something we are going to get to do together, I am going to stick with him, running at his pace tonight, and see if next time he will keep up with me? Saturday we are having a late lunch, early supper with friends, and Sunday I will need to get another run in, I will have to hit the tereadmill for that one… Best I work on my playlist!
Anyway, wishing you all a wonderful weekend!
…so my recovery has been fairly smooth. Today I went to gym, managed 20 minutes on the treadmill (was a bit uncomfortable though) and it felt great to get the heart rate up and use the legs. I don’t recall how much info I have given, so here we go, I’ll rehash it all. In 2010 I had a laparoscopy as part of my infertility work up. At the time I was diagnosed with grade 2 endometriosis, involving my uterus and ovaries, bladder, ureter (pipe between kidney and bladder) and my colon, mainly on the right. Obviously after that we went ahead with numerous IVF’s and had a Caesar for Thandi, so lots more interventions; finishing off with that spectacular haemtoma after my last attempted IVF cycle last year. Since then I have struggled with significant pain and things have been definitely ‘not well’ in my pelvis. Eventually the decision was taken (and definitely not lightly) to have another look at things. I managed to convince my doctor to wait until after Knysna, and so last Tuesday, off we went, back to hospital.
So this time last week(+ 1 day) I awoke to the news that there was more endometriosis, involving mainly the left, and sitting in areas which would have made me sore, and that there was a lot of scar tissue, from all the IVF treatments, from the haematoma, from the endometriosis itself… My doctor has now cleaned things up again, so hopefully I improve. But, he has planted a seed… He reckons 1 more cycle, 1 more chance, a teensy bit of hope… And I just don’t know if I can do that to myself again…
…so this last little while I have faced some challenges – at work, at home, in some of my relationships. I’m beginning to think that there must be something I do to make my life difficult, but hey, can’t always have a “woe is me” kinda attitude. So this weekend, Thandi had a 4 hour tantrum, over some porridge that she didn’t want to eat… 4 Hours over 5 spoons of porridge! I eventually lost my temper and left the house in a total huff, leaving Thandi and Charlie to sort it all out. By the time I had sobbed my heart out on the boardwalk and returned home, the porridge was eaten, she was dressed and everyone was calmer. I was shattered by the events. I always knew my girl was tenacious, but seriously, 4 HOURS! ARGH!!!
We had sent to her room, to sit on the naughty chair, but I think she eventually didn’t mind the exclusions. Either Charlie or I popped in every 4 minutes to find out if she was ready to apologise and eat her porridge, and she kept saying, no! She then started asking when I walked in if I was coming to apologise to her and tell her I loved her? She told Charlie that she wasn’t ready, after about 2 hours, and that she ‘needed some more time to calm down’. There are no flies on this kid, I tell you! After my little meltdown and my sheepish return to the house, I apologised to Charlie and her, and Charlie just gave me a big hug and said it was ok, I’d just lost my rag, I was human, and that was ok, apology accepted. Thandi peered up at me at that point and asked if I’d found my rag? I could only smile, with the tears streaming down my face.
But seriously, I hope this is only a rare occurrence, because if she becomes more defiant, more frequently, I might never find my rag again! How do you all deal with these moments? I felt like a terrible parent…
So this weekend there was a trip to the mountains, and there were minions! The view of our Hogs! The sweetest minions! (pre hike!) Even Minnie came on the Hike to the Big Tree! Gargoyles of the forest. The Nose Choosing Tree – can’t you just imagine the trolls and witches lining up to choose their nose from this tree? The sweetest forest minion of the lot! (In fact, other hikers stopped taking pictures of the big tree, and focussed on the minions instead!)
Some pictures from our stop at the Storms River Mouth on Monday afternoon. It was such a special time, filled my soul with smiles! You see Charlie and I stopped here on honeymoon nearly 6 years ago, and I remember how special it was then… Nice to share a memory with Tpants! The beautiful oyster catchers – seeing more and more of them on the coastline – nice! She had so much fun, running in the waves, and she and I got caught in a rogue one that got or pants wet! cheeky dassies!