…not completely, but getting better than I was. A weekend filled with great little stop gaps, seeing Adip, getting to watch John Cleese, Fathers Day dinner at our house, Having some good playtime with Thandigirl. It was all good and restorative.
Friday afternoon ended with a divine massage for Charlie and I, we positively oozed out of the spa and made our way home, where we fed and watered Thandi and ourselves and had early nights all round, recovering from our colds. Saturday morning we jumped into the car, headed off to the neighbouring town, checked in Chez Dip. We had lunch at one of our favourite spots in town (bunny chow for me – yum!), then headed off to a chat with the fab Dr DB (more on that later), a quiet afternoon followed and then after dropping Thandi off on the evening playdate of her little life with Em, we headed off to watch John Cleese. What an experience, definitely a bucket list event. It was nostalgic… not a laugh a minute, he really did a bit of a walk down memory lane, sharing some of his life experiences and then some highlights of his career. The only downside to the evening was that quite early on Charlie and I spotted the cue cards projecting onto screens around the venue, but as he said, he’s an old man! It was really quite an experience. Then it was off to fetch Thandi, finding her playing up a storm, and so happy! She’d really had a great time with Em – Thanks Em’s mom and dad for watching her – you guys are legends! Needless to say, we had our longest lie in ever on Sunday morning!
Sunday after a walk on the promenade and dipping our toes in the sea,
Once we got home, I got stuck into a roast lamb dinner with all the trimmings and my folks came over for dinner – yum! Another early night for us, I was still quite congested, and tired.
Monday was a public holiday – yay! So after the morning dawned, we headed off to a little touch farm/play ground just out of town, had a great morning there, headed off to the local Home Expo, had a stroll around while Granny watched Thandi for us. and then after Thandi rewarded s with a 2 hour afternoon nap, we headed out to dinner with my associates, a time to catch up and relax.
And now the long weekend is over, time to work again… Have a great shortened week! Before I go, look at Thandi’s delight, playing with her dad!
I’m in a bit of a funk… A bit woe is me and all that jazz. I know it will pass. Along with this freaking headache I have had for the last 2 and a half weeks! Crikey, this old body is just about a write off! Apologies, normal programming will resume shortly.
…I live where I do…
Last night I went to bed with a catch in my throat, and a sore heart. I never intended for Thandi to be an only child. I’m so sad that my body has failed her and Charlie. They deserve so much more. And it boils down to me just wanting another… Sad, frustrated and grieving… But very aware of quite how blessed I am to have Thandi, make no mistake, I count that blessing every day. But somehow it doesn’t diminish what my heart longs for; what I dreamed of for my little family.
A patient yesterday told me that she wasn’t sure about having children, because once they arrive, your life is over, isn’t it? And I held back from telling her that she didn’t have the foggiest. That my life, yes, with some restrictions, got richer with Thandi’s arrival. My wealth is in her. I dreamed of a life for Charlie and I – we always said, ’2 children and we’ll see how we go, maybe a 3rd.’ And that dream was a rich, beautiful tapestry of colour and light and laughter and fun. Hard work, yes, but a dream, nonetheless. And to watch that dream fade is hard.
So, to my 2 loves – I’m sorry this creaky body of mine has failed us. I’m sorry that on that outgoing tide of my hormones, our dream of a future child/sibling has washed out. So far this has been our year of loss – loss of a parent, loss of one dream. But we have each other, and the 3 of us are pretty cool, and we will have some rollicking adventures, of that I’m sure. To infinity and beyond!
… there were lots of special times this weekend! From dinner with friends where Thandi outplayed the other kids (playing with a toy vacuum cleaner (?) and still going for it at 21h45!)’ to a helicopter flip over the ocean, (scouting for sardines, but finding a superpod of dolphins); from a roadtrip to the mountains with TAFKAD, to our first family dinner (with Thandi at the table eating with us!). It was good! there was also lots of time to rest and relax, so this body is feeling significantly better, not 100%, but way better than I was.
Sunrise from the chopper was a privilege…
The superpod – every white splash is a dolphin, incredible. I have never ever witnessed anything like it before.
And a few of my favourite girl, playing in the autumn leaves!
And it was such a pleasure spending time with TAFKAD, I miss her already! (She’s back in Cape Town.) The first thing Thandipants said yesterday morning was where is Aunty?
… I am craving this time off… Work has been a battle. Physically it has been tough, getting through the day with significant pain and discomfort, and emotionally, it has been taxing. Any other time the question “Are you going to have another child?” wouldn’t bother me, but I haven’t worked out an answer yet, so it’s been tricky. Anyway, the whole town knows I’ve been ‘sick’, but they don’t all know why, but I’m sure they’ll figure it out soon enough. So I need to come up with a snappy answer… something to think about this weekend.
Tomorrow we are going to the mountains for the day, to show TAFKAD our land, and it is officially ours now! Yay! I’m sure my soul will appreciate that. For the rest, I am going to rest and allow this broken body the chance to heal…
… my heart is still so very tender. I am ok, and we are coping with the loss/modification of a dream.
The very physical nature of this cycle has floored me. I am shattered from the mere challenge of getting up, walking from my bed to the bathroom, from my desk to the waiting room. I am also tired of the pain. It’s been 11 days now, and yes, there have been improvements, but, it’s crazy how tiring it is. I take my hat off to patients who have chronic pain conditions, and I apologise to anyone whose chronic pain I dismissed. Never again… I also have underestimated how much mental strength it takes to just ‘get on with it already’; some days it really has seemed that it would be far far easier to hole up in my bedroom, and just hide from prying eyes and indulge the agony in me. But somehow I have managed to drag myself out of bed, pulled myself through the shower, and driven into the office; seen patient after patient, done the deliveries and surgery that needed doing; and somehow made at home at the end of the day… A quasi-existence…
Through this, Charlie has been a rock. I know he is a bit bewildered by me, and I think it is never easy to see your loved ones in pain – physical or emotional, but he has picked up the slack at home, stepping in and helping with Thandi, cooking, shopping – especially when he sees me struggle. Thank you my love. I would do all of this all over again, for you, for our future; because I love you, and I love who I am in your eyes. I love our little family, you have kept me anchored through this storm, my safe port.