… you know, for a while now I have been writing fairly light heartedly. It feels like my commitment to blogging has been somewhat half hearted. I haven’t tackled a meatier subject in a while.
I read a post the other day, written by a woman in a similar boat to me. She is also a professional woman, not thrilled with where she finds herself working, and struggling with the idea of only one child. It got me thinking…
In my dreams, I always imagined 2, maybe 3 children, filling my home with noise, bubbles and laughter; the occasional wail too, but lots of love. It’s been an adjustment to turn off that dream, one I probably haven’t finished making. ( I reckon I am 95% there) Make no mistake, (and this is where lots of people do make a mistake) I am intensely grateful for my awesome Thandipants, I am under no illusion as to what a miracle she is, the child that science said shouldn’t have been, and every day I celebrate the miracle that she is, but knowing that I will raise her without a sibling is hard. Now bear in mind my brothers are a lot older than me, and were at boarding school when I was born, so I suppose I was also raised as virtual only child, but I still have my brothers who I can call on when I need them. They may live far away from me and we may not be close, but there is a commitment to family, that I know will rise above all those sorts of challenges, should the need arise. Thandi will never know that… When the chips are down, and we are old, she will be on her own, making decisions about us and our care (hopefully she’ll have a husband, and maybe those twins she keeps talking about), but essentially she will be our daughter alone, making those tough calls. Last night I heard that my very healthy dad needs a hip replacement. He will be 2 weeks post op when I am running in Cape Town, when he won’t be able to drive and neither can my mom! What a relief it was to get on the phone to my brothers and just talk through it all with them, so they know, they can come and lend a hand if they want to, but I have shared that burden of care.
Agh, life throws us curve balls, and things don’t always work out how we imagine them, and I guess that’s the challenge, how we rise up to them, and cope with altered and adjusted dreams. She will never know different, and neither will I. It just hurts too much to dwell on the ‘might have beens’ and ‘if only’s’. It is what it is, I am blessed, but that doesn’t stop the heartsore.
…is it just me, or has this been a really long week already? I think I’m just taking strain after last weekend on call, but I am exhausted! I haven’t even got up to run at 05h00 this week, and every day feels like I did!
So this weekend we are going away, to a little game farm we know and love! Thandi is super excited because her friend Charlotte (and her parents) are coming too; and the owners have a delightful book about Walter, the Farting Dog! Hehe! I think we are going to hear that story over and over again! T (Charlotte’s mom) and I have a project to tackle this weekend, and that is to cut out and pin our daughters’ mermaid tails for a mermaid party they are both attending. So yesterday we spent some time at the gorgeous smelling fabric shop. I love the smell of material like that! So we have meters of blue and green and purple organza. I hope its going to turn out well! I also hope to get some off road running in on the farm; fortunately there are no predators on the farm, so as long as I don’t disturb the breeding sable, all will be good!
Now just to get through this morning, so I can get to a long awaited and needed facial this afternoon!
…and a good celebration was had last night. I made it home early-ish, so Charlie and I went for a trot to test out his new garmin watch, but he had set some weird and wonderful things on it, so after 2 minutes, it started bleeping telling him he had hit the upper heart rate limit he had set, which drove us crazy, so after another 2 minutes of not being able to figure it out, he turned off the heart rate option, and we enjoyed a pleasant run together. As we got home friends and family popped in for drinks, which was really nice; and then we headed to tapas bar for dinner. I just have to say that it is incredible how our tastes and habits have changed over the last 8 months. Last night we shared 8 tapas, and even that was actually too much, (previously it would have been double that!) I had 1 glass of wine, which was probably also too much, and some coffee, which totally pushed me over the edge! How my body is changing!
Anyway, I am full of yawns today, I am tired, and tired of feeling tired. The weekend cannot come soon enough!
Today is Charlie’s Birthday! Yay! Time to reflect, celebrate and plan ahead.
He is a lucky boy, his amazing and incredible wife bought him a garmin watch/gps/heart rate monitor thingy, may his running continue to improve and be enjoyable! Thandi was super excited, I let her loose in the Crazy Store yesterday, to buy her Daddy a present; with big eyes, and with a whisper, she said ‘A racing car!'; so with some stickers(skeleton Stickers, because he’s a boy!), some balls (for me and dad, hey?), a pen (Spiderman, of course) and some sweeties, we found a bright red toy Ferrari, which I know they will play with this afternoon! Such fun!
I am a lucky wife – to be blessed with a kind, caring and patient husbuddy! I love you forever my babes!
Tonight we will celebrate with a trot together and after some drinks with friends, a great meal out! After the weekend on call, I’m looking forward to some R&R!
..lies ahead. I can’t say I am looking forward to it, but each weekend worked is a weekend closer to retirement! I’m trying to look on the bright side here;-) hehe! And there are some social events to look forward to – a 40th High Tea tomorrow afternoon, and a braai with mates tomorrow evening. Tonight though, we are running the second race in the night series here. I have a new headlight, so we should be good to go, and see where we are running. After the last one being such fun, I am really looking forward to the event. It was well organised and very social! I’m so proud of my Charlie, he will be out there too, hitting the trail with me. He is sticking to his running, and doing well! (despite moaning and groaning about his knees)
So this morning I tackled another run with the running group. I enjoyed getting out there, there really is something quite magical running so early in the morning (05h00), and it was a challenging run. Sadly though, I lost the group at one intersection, and I wasn’t sure if they had turned or not, so I was left with a decision, in the dark and alone. I chose to get back to my car via the quickest route, which apparently was not the route the rest of the gang was on. Anyway. I lost maybe 100m on the run, if that, and got back to the car minutes before the rest of them made it into the parking lot. I feel a little spare and somewhat sheepish about my next run with them. It’s hard when one doesn’t know the routes, and despite assurances that I wouldn’t be left behind, I was. A single girl, on her own in the dark is not a very good idea these days now, is it?
…and what to do when they aren’t enough.
Sleep that is. Last night I got about 8 hours sleep, its the first time in a very long time that has happened. And it doesn’t feel like it was enough. Granted, I don’t have that nauseous tired feeling I had most of yesterday, but I could quite easily put my head down and sleep off a few more hours, I think.
I have such a love-hate relationship with sleep. I love to sleep, afternoon naps are one of my absolute best treats. I hate that I have to sleep, when I have so much to do. My day does not have enough hours, and sleep takes away from things I ‘need’ to do. And when I have insomnia, I hate those hours I lie in bed in a fog, wishing the night away, longing for the light.
Anyway, today I continue to yawn..
The late nights and early mornings are taking their toll… A delivery at 03h00 this morning really has me shattered…
I went for my run this morning, and my body kept saying ‘NO!’ I however tried my damnedest to ignore it and pushed on to run 10km, it was, as my one friend says, ‘character building’. Showee, it was hard to push on today, I really wanted to quit. I know I need some rest, but my body needed the exercise. But I guess that is the difference between me now and a year ago. A year ago I would not have even stepped onto the treadmill or met my trainer for a session after a bad night on call; but today I did!