Charlie's Bird

living the dream with Charlie and Thandi and chirping all the way back to the nest.

Easter wishes

…for happiness, fun, good running (for those running the 2 oceans) and chocolate.

On a more serious note though, I went to a Holy week service at church on Tuesday evening, and the theme was the Stations of the Cross. Jesus’s arrest, interrogation, torture, trial, sentencing and then dramatic sentencing and execution. It was a difficult service to sit through, and I guess my mother’s instinct kicked in, and I spent a lot of time thinking about Mary, about what an horrific experience it must have been to watch her beloved boy go through that. It was the first time my maternal eyes gazed on the cross. And then in another part of my brain sat another man, sitting, broken in the dock having made it through a harrowing cross examination, as he faces a nation’s condemnation, without his own mom. It’s the first time I am raising Oscar here, and I guess that’s because I have no opinion on the merits of the case. I don’t know if he shot Reeva on purpose or by accident, and I suppose, to me, it doesn’t really matter, but seeing him go through this trial, and so very publicly, without a mom to hold him tight; to see him so so broken – God, it’s horrific – and I can’t help seeing some vague similarities to a trail some 2000 years ago…

On a lighter note, the weekend is almost upon us – tomorrow we head to the mountains for a day, to cut some trees down, work on some overgrown paths and to have a picnic. For the rest of the weekend we will kick off our shoes at home and relax. Sunday we have a luncheon planned with friends and family, Thandi will have her friend Charlotte to play with and search for Easter eggs, yippee! I hope to get some good runs in and have some quality time with my slightly neglected feeling husband – sorry, love, it’s been a crazy crazy week! I wish you all a very safe and blessed time over this weekend, and let us remember the sacrifice of that man on the cross; his devastated mother and the promise of a new day.

Tick tock

…as the clock runs out on this deadline we set for a pregnancy, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about it all lately. I guess the overriding emotion I have is gratitude. Gratitude for the thing of perfection that climbs onto my lap after a long day, and tells me she loves me, that I mustn’t be sad, that I’m her best mommy. But there is a little part of me that is so damn tired of trying to justify why I want another.

Yesterday I was in the difficult position of having to deliver an unwanted child. Initially the mom-to-be considered a termination of pregnancy, but the idea didn’t sit comfortably with her. Then she considered adoption, but that flew in the face of her partner’s beliefs. So now, this little baby has been born into an uncertain situation, with no one really wanting him, but no one brave enough to make a decision. At the same time, I have a patient going through a terrible pregnancy loss at the age of 40 with probably not enough time to consider another. Fucking hell, it’s all a little unfair.

How damaged we are at the end of these journeys we are on… each of them is unique, but we emerge battle scarred and bruised. I’m almost ready to retire injured, my heart is sore today.

Party girl

…shoowee, Miss Thandipants was the belle of the ball this weekend. 2 Birthday parties in one day, 2 playdates and a supper date. And the girl isn’t 3 yet! Friday night we had our neighbours around for a casual supper, their daughter is Thandi’s best mate, and the 2 of them played up a storm. A latish night for them, but with Thandi sleeping well, she was obviously exhausted. Then Saturday morning dawned clear, windless and hot, and it was off to birthday party number 1, a little girl from school was celebrating her birthday with a mermaid party – what fun the girls had – playing in the pool, sliding on the slip and slide, sand arting, sweeties, cake and balloon animals! Home for a snooze to recharge for birthday party number 2 – my goddaughter’s birthday – a dozen (or more) screaming 9 year olds – oh my shattered nerves! Thandi had such fun though – following the big kids around, eating sweeties, cake and hotdogs, playing in the garden in the dark and a generous amount of screaming! Eeek!

Anyway, after that we all collapsed in a heap!

Sunday morning I got up early and ran to our usual breakfast spot, where we met our German friends. Their daughter, Charlotte and Thandi play up a storm – and they had such fun over breakfast we arranged to meet for bike riding at the park in the afternoon. We took a quick drive through one of our local game reserves, and Thandi loved seeing the zebras,  giraffes, ostriches and various buck species. We got to see some lions and African dogs, which are kept in separate camps – beautiful! And then it was the park, after a failed attempt at encouraging an afternoon nap. The girls rode and rode and rode. Where do they find all that energy? We got home at about 4, with Thandi telling me she had had a very busy day… We snuggled on the couch, had some quiet time and after a quick bath and supper, it was bed time – she slept like a dream!

And now it is Monday. I think after a weekend filled with children’s activities, it might be time for some adult activities this week – I’ll have to see what I can come up with!

Friday fail!

….all I can say is thank the pope it isn’t Monday, because if this was how my week began, I think I would have just taken to my bed and hibernated!

Seriously. Charlie woke up with a ever so slight grump, which Thandi then grew into an enormous funk – not wanting to eat breakfast, not wanting to put shoes on, not listening, and then wailing when she got reprimanded. Finally they left for school, and I could get myself sorted for work. Except the shake I made for my lunch spilt all over me as I was getting into the car, and now I sit here with the waft of milk rising from my dress (and we know in a few hours it will be a sour milk smell – ugh), something else has leaked in my gym bag, or car, because that is damp – the water bottle is not the culprit, as I assumed, I checked and it is empty and sealed. And because of all this drama I left for work late, got stuck in traffic and am just not really keen on this day.


The result

…of all this sabotage that has happened is a very frustrated, sad and weepy birdy.  If I don’t get some endorphins in today, I fear I will collapse in a puddle of mucousy tears as I wail and beat myself. Please, dear god, let me get that run in!

In other news I had a really scary experience this morning, while driving to work. I fear I was about to become the victim of a road rage incident. A guy very nearly drove me off the road this morning (trying to squeeze between my car (in the left hand lane) and the slower guy who was driving in the fast lane), and when I pulled over to calm my shaking nerves down, I saw he had pulled over too, so I quickly got back into the traffic, only to have him pass me and gesticulate and wave angry fingers at me. He preceeded me onto the highway, and when I realised he seemed to be waiting for me, I drove very slowly and carefully, taking the next off ramp (fortunately, my usual one) but the shakes and pounding heart stayed with me a bit. It was very damn scary.


… I tell you, sabotage! Yesterday I only got home at 6, too late to go for a run; this morning I was stuck in theatre with a complicated delivery and then a slow delivery, my gym slot all used up by work. My good intentions all shot! Sabotaged…

Oh well, tomorrow is another day!

Mean Mommy

…when you leave for work, and the little girl wails, with real tears coursing down her cheeks, ‘But why must you go to work, Mommy? You can take me to swimming, not Daddy!’, ‘Because Mommy must help the ladies, girly’ (swallowing hard) ‘But I need you Mommy.’ ‘I need you too, my baby, but I will see you later, after work’  And I walk away, as she cries and the remains of her teary kiss dry on my cheek… My heart breaks a little more every time.

And to top it off, I gave her a flu vaccine yesterday, and boy, oh boy, did she shout about that – not quite loudly enough to disguise the noise of my heart shattering though.


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