…happens to me when I run in a group. I experienced it again this morning, when I went for an early morning run with one of the running groups. It was a hill training session, so I knew it was going to be hard, but it seems like I become a dithering wreck within the group. Now this morning I didn’t know anyone in the group, which I guess makes it tough, but I started out well and ended well. But somewhere in the middle my brain got the better of me, and I nearly quit. I was at the back of the pack, felt like I deserved to be there (because I am hopeless, you know), but I know I can do better – I can run harder and faster, but I seem to loose that self belief when I am in a group… It’s weird, almost as though my brain self sabotages me… The psychology of running… My brain – my biggest asset, my worst enemy… I’m just not sure how I am going to overcome that negative shouting happening in my head during these next 2 weeks. I’m following my training programme, I know I can finish, but… Somehow I did beat the brain when I ran Knysna, but I’m feeling far off what I was back then. Oy…
Have I mentioned before that it is hard living with my brain?
…it has been an interesting couple of days…
Work was reasonable – thank heavens, I really don’t think I would have coped well with a busy work weekend after the week I had. I finished up later than anticipated on Friday, headed home, and after a quick piece of Banting toast and avo, and a cuppa, I collapsed into a 2 hour dreamless dead to the world nap. I was exhausted, and that nap made the world of a difference. For once it seemed as though the secret cameras hidden in my house – you know, the one’s that alert the patients that I have just fallen asleep so that they can call and wake me up – were turned off. Thank heavens for that.
Socially it was good too – an anniversary dinner for our German friends and a 50th birthday party for a friend. They were both such happy and good evenings!
On the running front, I got one of my speed workouts done on the treadmill on Saturday, and then yesterday I ran an 18km trail run. Phew! I will just say that trail running is a lot tougher than road running. But it was better than some of my previous attempts. So maybe I will survive my run up the mountains in CT in 3 weeks – eek!
In totally other news – Charlie shaved his beard off on Saturday night! It is only the second time I have ever seen him without a beard since I met him 8 years ago. Oh my word, he looks so young! And so naughty! And so like his Dad… I guess with time I might get used to it, but I know he can also grow it back in about 2 weeks!
…to see here.
They say “If you have nothing nice to say, keep quiet.” So apologies. I have had an incredibly difficult week, I am tired and at my wits end, and I face an unplanned weekend on call.
…throw into my mix a now vomiting husband.
I think I am going to go crazy! Yesterday’s run was interrupted by a delivery, Thandi is being, well, a 3 year old, my parents are being a bit grouchy (had them round to dinner last night), my husband is sick, and I am swamped at work! Help! Tonight is book club, lets hope the girls enjoy what I am putting up for supper.
…sick Thandipants (gastro); sick associate (appendicitis); way too much work!
….ah, what a good, life-giving weekend it was. Loved the time off!
So Friday afternoon Charlie, Thandi and I headed off to a game ranch near the local university town. We left home in a howling gale, and we arrived there in a howling gale. Ugh. Anyway, we arrived at 17h00, in time for a decent G&T! Our German friends were already there, and so our weekend began. We relaxed in the lodge with our hosts, who are the most delightful folks. After Thandi and Charlotte had played up a storm, they were run through the bath, and then bedded down, before we sat down to our dinner. We tucked into some delicious venison, and relaxed over a great meal. After an early night, with that gale continuing to howl, Charlie, M and I went for a run over the farm – it was freezing! After a hot shower and breakfast, we headed off to look at the sables on the farm – they have a breeding programme – wow, they are beautiful antelope! The farm is in the midst of a winter drought, and rather desperate for some rain, so they are feeding the sable at the moment to supplement the very meagre grazing. A game drive, lunch, a nap and another spectacular dinner ended Saturday. Sunday dawned cool and overcast with smatterings of rain, which M and I got caught in during our run. We made it to an animal shelter, waited a few minutes, there seemed to be no real change in the rain, so we bucked up and made it home, Frozen again! After breakfast the girls went for a long horse ride (or horse walk, I should clarify). They had such fun! Look at the smiles!
… you know, for a while now I have been writing fairly light heartedly. It feels like my commitment to blogging has been somewhat half hearted. I haven’t tackled a meatier subject in a while.
I read a post the other day, written by a woman in a similar boat to me. She is also a professional woman, not thrilled with where she finds herself working, and struggling with the idea of only one child. It got me thinking…
In my dreams, I always imagined 2, maybe 3 children, filling my home with noise, bubbles and laughter; the occasional wail too, but lots of love. It’s been an adjustment to turn off that dream, one I probably haven’t finished making. ( I reckon I am 95% there) Make no mistake, (and this is where lots of people do make a mistake) I am intensely grateful for my awesome Thandipants, I am under no illusion as to what a miracle she is, the child that science said shouldn’t have been, and every day I celebrate the miracle that she is, but knowing that I will raise her without a sibling is hard. Now bear in mind my brothers are a lot older than me, and were at boarding school when I was born, so I suppose I was also raised as virtual only child, but I still have my brothers who I can call on when I need them. They may live far away from me and we may not be close, but there is a commitment to family, that I know will rise above all those sorts of challenges, should the need arise. Thandi will never know that… When the chips are down, and we are old, she will be on her own, making decisions about us and our care (hopefully she’ll have a husband, and maybe those twins she keeps talking about), but essentially she will be our daughter alone, making those tough calls. Last night I heard that my very healthy dad needs a hip replacement. He will be 2 weeks post op when I am running in Cape Town, when he won’t be able to drive and neither can my mom! What a relief it was to get on the phone to my brothers and just talk through it all with them, so they know, they can come and lend a hand if they want to, but I have shared that burden of care.
Agh, life throws us curve balls, and things don’t always work out how we imagine them, and I guess that’s the challenge, how we rise up to them, and cope with altered and adjusted dreams. She will never know different, and neither will I. It just hurts too much to dwell on the ‘might have beens’ and ‘if only’s’. It is what it is, I am blessed, but that doesn’t stop the heartsore.