… and the rollercoaster rides again. I am shattered after a couple of late nights, and my mood has come crashing down around me. Not having exercised for that last few days (because of the gastro) hasn’t helped, I am feeling run down and worn out. Thank goodness it is Friday. I am supposed to do a long run tomorrow, not sure if I am going to get there feeling like I am. But then I just feel like a failure all over again if I don’t. Being a type A doesn’t help, does it.
I’m sorry that I have subjected you, my readers to this recent outpouring of misery, but forgive my missing mojo. And forgive me, I need to process some of these emotions, and this is the only space I can. So look away if you must, I won’t be offended. I can’t promise I know when regular programming will recommence.
…and I am feeling decidedly sorry for myself. An episode of gastro, some weird ovary issue and I am shattered and feeling rather like the proverbial bus collided with me. I think it reversed too. Blech.
Work has been busy the last few days, with some really difficult deliveries and a late night one too. 5 babies – Leonardo, Olivia, Ally, Ella, Logan all have arrived. Phew!
Tonight its book club and we are heading to a friend of mines for a raw food demo! Looking forward to it!
…so I’ve ranted before, I think about pets. But I feel the need again.
So this morning Charlie discovers that one of our neighbours’ cats has settled into our garage and used it as a bathroom. And seriously, that’s gross. I appreciate that cats are possibly harder to control than dogs, but forgive me if I have a minor freak out.
I choose NOT to have pets because I think they are way too much responsibility – responsibility that I am not prepared to take. They need feeding, they need washing and brushing and grooming, they need exercise, they need attention. When you go away, they need taking care of. They need training and they need to be cleaned up after. And it’s not just their excrement; their hair, the dust, sand and mud they bring into houses and deposit on furniture all needs cleaning. And I’m afraid to say, if you don’t or don’t want to take on those responsibilities, then you shouldn’t have a pet. In fact, I’d go as far as calling you abusive, if you have a pet and are not prepared to do all of those things. It’s simply not fair on the pet.
I’m really tired of watching my neighbours and their pets. They seem to always be wandering around, seldom get walked (with occasional exceptions, and then often by the gardener) are scruffy and grimy, and they poop on my lawn, in my garage, and in my garden where Thandi plays. I don’t want the responsibility of my own pet, why would I want yours – cleaning up my yard offends me; but keeping my daughter caged in offends me more.
Forgive the rant, but It’s been building for a while. And if I at least make one person think about the care they give their pets, then good. If I make one soul rethink a decision to buy their little people a puppy or a kitten sans responsibilities, then good. Here endeth my lesson for the day.
…so this weekend I did my second longest run in more than 6 years. I last did a half marathon in 2006, and since then the longest run I have done is 15km (which was 2 years ago), yesterday I did 12.5km, and didn’t feel like I might die! Progress! I’m running really slowly, so I am not about to break records or anything like that, but I am feeling better about myself. It’s still flipping hard work though, and hills are still my nemesis, but I am tackling them, and making better progress on them these days.
Aside from running, this weekend I had a wonderful date with Charlie, it was such a lovely evening, and a chance to reconnect, after lots of other stuff and other activities. I have a wonderful husband! Thandi had a playdate on Saturday morning, and then a visit with her Gran in the afternoon. Saturday night saw us having burgers with mates. Sunday, between my running etc, Thandi had a breakfast date with Charlotte, and then a great time swimming with us. All in all, a social weekend, but one that was easy and low stress! Hope you all had fun!
…thankful that it is Friday, thankful that I have survived the week and made it to the weekend. Thankful for my body which works (sort of) and allows me to run and exercise. Thankful for my brain and training which allow me to work and earn an income for my family. Thankful for my family – happy birthday to my Mom for yesterday! Thankful for my friends and the support I have received after my last post. Thankful for my Charlie and my Thandi.
There are dangerous places lurking in my brain. Places that scare me, that are really starting to rear their heads. The only ways I know how to put them back in place are not working anymore. I am scared.
Mild depression has been one of my constant friends; in fact, I probably cycle through highs and lows, much like most people. Once before I have battled with depression and a bit of an adjustment disorder, I saw a therapist and took some medication (that I can’t say I noticed helping a whole lot), but I emerged and for a good 5/6 years now, I have been ok. Episodes of reactive stress, but ok. The last little while, probably 6 months, I have noticed a deterioration in my symptoms again. And this time all the things that usually help, aren’t. I’m exercising, the endorphins feel like a damp fizz of a failed firework, instead of the explosive pop they usually are. I’m eating well, my IBS has improved 100% almost, I am getting omegas, good vitamins, yet still I am feeling horrible. Every day increasingly is becoming an effort. I spend my day counting down how many patients I see, to what end. Tomorrow I do it all again…
The other thoughts that I am battling to expel from my brain, are those of my inadequacies. I feel inadequate as a caregiver – to my family, my patients, my friends, myself.
And it’s all just beginning to feel like what the hell is the point…
…ah, the weekend was good. The weather was cool in the evenings and pleasant in the day. The company was excellent - Thandi had a blast with her friend Charlotte. There was lots of fairy hunting, playing with fairy bells and looking for toadstools. We enjoyed getting to know new friends better, sharing fabulous meals and good wine. It has rained well, so the waterfalls are fuller than I have ever seen them – so pretty and beautiful! Trees were dripping with fruit, cheeky monkeys played above us in the trees. And I ran and relaxed. It was really good.